


Wooden Heart

by p4vl0vsdaught3r



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternative Universe - Human, Blind Dinner, F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-12 03:10:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4463225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/p4vl0vsdaught3r/pseuds/p4vl0vsdaught3r
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The evening was supposed to be fun. Being stood up by her date and spending the evening surrounded by complete strangers wasn't part of Laura's plan; being blindfolded wasn't either. At least the food is good. And the company isn't so bad either. There's this one girl in particular, that keeps on calling her the most ridicoulous pet names, that  Laura just can't get out of her mind. </p><p>This is going to be a very, very long night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intertwined

„You alright, cupcake?“ a low and raspy voice asks. She can’t be far away since Laura can feel the vibrations of her voice in the air. At least she thinks she does. Cautiously she turns her head to the side; the direction the voice is coming from. If she reaches out to her right, she will probably be able to touch the girl next to her. They aren't far away from each other. 

Something touches Laura’s arm and she instinctively flinches back. Her heart skipes a beat. She hadn’t anticipated something or rather somebody to be touching her out of the blue. Somebody chuckles softly next to her. It must be the girl. 

“Gee cupcake, I’m not contagious,” the girl says. Her voice is soft, but rough at the same time. She sounds like a mixture of how Laura expects somebody working for a sex hotline to sound like and a voice actor speaking the voice over’s for trailers. She has to smile at the thought. She is glad her counterpart can’t see the way the corners of her mouth twitch. She wouldn't really know what to say if somebody asked her why she was smiling. 

“Sorry,” Laura says still sporting a smile. The other girl doesn’t answer for a while, while Laura is still trying to accustom herself to this new situation. Carefully she moves her hands searching for the edge of the table mere inches in front of her. She lets her finger travel across the bottom side of the table while running her thumbs over the upper surface. It feels warm to the touch.

She thinks about the people sitting around this table. Will is somewhere to her right, though she supposes he is sitting on the opposite side. Then there is the girl with the husky voice next to her; Laura doesn’t know her name. Perry had just excused herself to get the food ready. There is another girl that has been talking almost nonstop; Laura had stopped listening to her after a while, but from what Laura was able to make out she assumes that the girl is a biology major. The there is somebody called Kirsch and a few others she doesn't know the name of. 

“No need to apologize. I didn’t mean to scare you,” mystery girl says. Instinctively Lara looks in her direction, but of course she can’t see her since her eyes are still covered with darkness. She tries to imagine what the girl might look like, but comes up empty. 

“You didn’t scare me, I just…” She had been scared shitless, but doesn’t want to admit to that. She already feels vulnerable enough not being able to see anything and being surrounded by strangers, no need to admit to another weakness. “This just feels weird, not seeing anything.”

Weird is a mild description for what Laura feels at the moment. This evening wasn't going the way she had planned it to go. She thinks about Danny. Damn her and her stupid Summer Society for getting her into this situation. She is angry at Danny, even though she knows that this is all her own fault. She feels so alone. Danny was supposed to be by her side, maybe even holding her hand. Instead soft music and the indistinct mumbling of unknown voices surround her. 

 

_*~* not too long ago *~*_

Laura took one last look at the address she had written down on the backside of her hand, then glanced up her mouth still hanging open. This couldn’t be it. Tonight was supposed to be a cozy, fun night with Danny and her friends at one of their places and not… well, dining in a mansion. Again she checked the address, number five. The large white number is illuminated on the wall next to the huge door and there is no way this is the wrong street. Danny had never said anything about her friend being the son of some sheikh or rich entrepreneur.  

The sign above the bell said “ _Karnstein_ ”. Laura couldn’t remember if Danny had told her the last name of their host, but she remembered that his first name was Will. Danny had met him in their first year at the university and they had become friends after a period of challenging the other in class. She felt a little weird ringing the bell since she didn’t know Will. Maybe she should have just accepted Danny’s offer of giving her a ride. But since Danny resided on the campus, while Laura lived on the other side of town, Danny would've had to make a long detour. Besides, Laura loved riding her bicycle.

She saw someone approaching the door, before it opened. The door consisted of see-through glass panels, so Laura could watch someone turning on the light and making their way to greet her. The door opened.

“Hello,” a girl greeted her. The first thing Laura noticed was how perfectly her lipstick matched her hair. Laura thought of how much time it must have taken her too find the right shade of red; going through piles of different shades until finally finding the perfect one.

“Hi, umm I’m Laura.”

“Laura?” The redhead looked at her questioningly and for a moment Laura was pretty damn sure she had knocked on the wrong door. She felt a blush creeping up her cheeks and was about to apologize and leave, when something akin to recognition flickered through the girl's eyes. “Oh... oh! You must be Danny’s friend, right?”

“That’s me!” Laura smiled relieved that she hadn't mix up the address.

“But... Will told me that you weren’t coming. Well, he said Danny was tied up tonight and couldn’t make it, so I assumed you weren’t coming as well.”

“What?” This was news. Laura remembered Danny's smiling face at lunch, when she told her how excited she was that they were going to spend the evening together.

“I’m not sure exactly, maybe I misunderstood him. I’ll ask him, but come on in; you must be freezing,” she said looking at Laura’s light jacket. She stepped back and ushered Laura in. Laura wanted to protest, but the girl didn’t really give her a chance. Even though the girl seemed relaxed, her posture was tense. Her back was straight, her shoulders squared and her chin was slightly raised. Laura was suddenly reminded of the three days she spend in ballet class. She had been very young and her dad had thought it might be a good idea, but Laura had hated it. She also had been really, really bad at it. Unsurprisingly really since she possessed the grace of an elephant.

“How rude of me, I didn’t even introduce myself. I’m Perry. You just wait here for a second, get out of your coat and make yourself comfortable, I’ll just get Will.” Then she was just gone – disappearing into one of the dozen adjacent rooms. Laura was mesmerized by the way her curly hair was bouncing up and down – in perfect harmony with the steps she took. When she was gone, Laura took her phone out. Four missed calls, two voice mails and three messages from Danny Lawrence. Oh fuck. She hadn’t checked her phone since lunch she realized. 

> **17:23** Laura, I tried calling you, but you don’t answer your phone, but I hope you read this! I know this is last minute, but I have to cancel for tonight. There is an urgent Summer Society meeting at 7pm and I can’t get out of it. Damn. I hope I can make it up to you. So sorry, I wanted you to meet my friends so badly :(  
>  **17:56** Laura? Did you get my message? Tried calling you at home, but nobody answers. Are you ok?  
>  **18:46** I hope you got my message and are ok. The meeting is starting soon and there is a strict no phone rule. Text me as soon as you get this. I’m worried. Danny.

Seven hells, she should really check her phone more often. When she had lectures, she always turned the sound off and most of the times she forgot turning it back on. God, she felt like an idiot. Maybe she should just leave before Perry made it back. But they were Danny’s friends, she couldn’t just leave like this. She tried to make up an excuse to bail, but she had never been good at lying. Damn you, Danny. How did she get her into this situation?

“Hey Laura, I’m Will,” a voice interrupted her thoughts. She hadn’t even noticed him approaching her. When she looked up from her phone, Will was only a few feet away. “I’m so happy to finally meet you. Danny has told me so much about you.” He looked different than she had imagined him. She had expected him to be taller… he still towered over her, but that didn’t really mean anything considering how small she was. His short, dark hair was slicked back and he was wearing a white button-down shirt. He smiled at her. Laura noticed the way the right corner of his mouth was much higher than on the other side.

She shook his outstretched hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m so, so sorry about this. I just looked at my phone and got Danny’s messages. I feel really stupid about this, I don’t mean to disturb. I’ll just…” Laura gestured towards the door and had already picked up her bag.

“Nonsense. Just because Danny isn’t here, doesn’t mean you have to go. You are more than welcome to stay. I mean it’s totally ok if you want leave… I’ll only be mortally offended and will hold your behavior against you till the end of time.” He didn’t even blink once while saying this. Laura was sure that he was kidding… right? 

“Of course she’s staying,” Perry interrupted the silence and turned towards Laura, “at least until you had something to eat. I have a whole five-course dinner prepared.”

There wasn’t really much room for argument. Laura nodded cautiously. She was starved. She hadn’t eaten anything since lunch. Perry took her jacket from her.

“Great! I’ll get you your goggles, Laura.”

Go- what? Before she could ask Perry, the girl was already gone. Her eyes fixed on the door frame Perry had disappeared though, she asked: “She’s doing what?”

Will chuckled softly. “Didn’t Danny tell you anything about tonight?” Laura shook her head slowly. Apparently her… date - she still wasn’t really sure if this was what they were doing… dating – hadn’t told her anything. “It’s a tradition we started back in our first semester; we meet every month and have a blind dinner. One of us is the waiter and the others are blindfolded and get to eat while not being able to see anything. It’s a lot of fun really.”

Fun? That didn’t sound like fun – at all. Being blindfolded and surrounded by people she didn’t even know, forced to trust that they wouldn’t put chili in her food or pull any other stunts. She took a deep breath trying to dispel away her worries. Growing up as the only child of a massively overprotective dad, Laura had paranoia practically written in her DNA.  

She tried to smile at Will. Those were Danny's friends after all. If they were anything like her tall and beautiful TA, there was nothing to be anxious about. She just had to girl the hell up. 

 

 *~*~*

The soft hand is still resting on Laura’s upper arm. She feels the warmth radiating from the girl's hand or maybe it’s her own skin that emits the heat. The mysterious girl still hasn't said anything, since Laura made the comment about feeling weird about this whole situation. Not to her and not to anybody else at the table. If it wasn’t for the hand still touching her, Laura would probably think that the girl was nothing more than a figment of her imagination.  

Suddenly the hand is gone. It feels weird. A chill goes through Laura's body. With her left hand Laura touches the spot where their skin had connected just a few seconds ago. 

“I can’t believe I let them talk me into this,” the mysterious girl says slowly; every word carefully chosen. Laura isn’t even sure if she is just soliloquizing or actually talking to her. 

“Me neither.” She hears movement to her right. She isn't sure, but she thinks the girl has turned around in her seat and was now facing her directly. Laura could hear her taking slow breaths. 

"Sooo... you wanna get out of here, sweetheart?" the girl asks suddenly. They way the mystery girl says those words makes Laura think that this is more than just a friendly conversation between strangers. Mystery girl is flirting with her. Big time.  _Sweetheart_. That's what she just called her. Laura feels a blush coloring her face in a dark red. She's relieved nobody can see how flustered those few words make her. Then again everything the girl says sounds at least somewhat sultry. She could probably read the telephone directory and still manage to make Laura's knees go all weak.

Laura hadn't realized that the conversations all around the table had stopped. Even the biology nerd has stopped talking. But now that she is aware of how quiet it is, the silence roars like thunder in her ears. She waits for somebody to say something. She feels like she has done something wrong, like she broke a rule she didn't even know existed. She doesn't dare to break the silence. 

She can hear somebody shifting in their seat. When a new song starts playing, Laura realizes that even the music had stopped. Somebody clears their throat. 

"Carmilla, what are you doing?"  Will asks into the silence that engulfs the room. 

"What does it look like, little brother?" the mystery girl asks disgruntled. Carmilla. Laura finally has a name to match the voice to. Carmilla doesn't seem to be happy at the moment. At all.

"You tell me."

"I'm just having some fun."

The tension in the room becomes palpable. Laura still doesn't understand what this is about. Just a spat between siblings? She unsucessfully tries to make sense of what they are saying. This isn't about her... right? Can't be. 

“Hitting on Danny’s girl, huh?” some guy, who isn't Will, asks. He doesn't sound happy either. 

_Oh... Oh!_

“I’m nobody’s girl,” Laura hears herself say. But when the words leave her mouth, she mentally slaps herself. Danny's friends. They are Danny's friends. Why would she say that in front of them?

Carmilla laughs. Laura feels the vibration in the air. Her heart is suddenly beating faster. She moves in her seat trying to get rid of this feeling that is holding her heart hostage. Her stomch churns, maybe it is just her body telling her she finally needs to get some nutrition into her system. That must be it. Get your shit together, Hollis. 

“You hear that, Willie-boy?”

"Is this your way of getting back at me?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm here, because I have to be. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself."

"You want to leave? Nobody is stopping you."

"You know I can't."

"Carmilla, just keep your hands off her, she's taken." Laura can't do anything but watch (well, listen to) them arguing over her. She wants to tell Will that she is in fact not "taken", but remains silent. 

"Don't get your panties in a twist. I didn't do shit and you just start accusing me of... what? Trying to steal Xena's girlfriend?"

Again Laura wants to argue, but doesn't get a chance. Danny and her hadn't even kissed yet.  

"Don't act all innocent. Fucking with my friends is exactly what you'd do to get back at me."

 "Always making everything about yourself. God, sometimes you are really daft, little brother. I was only trying to be nice... you dimwits blindfold this poor girl and put her in a room full of strangers. And then you basically ignore her. You might not know how awful that feels, but I do. You say I'm the asshole, but maybe you should take a look at yourself for once."

"Shit, Carm..." Will starts, but is interrupted when the door opens. The sound makes Laura jump. Whoever just entered is whistling a jolly melody and doesn't seem to notice the tension in the room.

"So... who's hungry?" Perry asks.


	2. For Starters

After Perry’s entrance the atmosphere in the room has shifted. And it’s not only because of the amazing smell that entered the room, when Perry opened the door. They all act like they weren’t at each other’s throats only moments ago. Carmilla hasn’t said a word since, but her brother seems to have oh so suddenly realized that Laura is an actually living, breathing human being sitting in his dining room. And he hasn’t stopped talking since that realization hit him.

He apologizes for his former behavior and is eager to engage Laura in conversation. Will seems to have taken Carmilla’s word to heart, because he doesn’t stop asking questions. Laura feels flattered, but she can’t shake the feeling that has gripped her since Carmilla first talked to her. Something has changed, but Laura can’t pinpoint what exactly it is.

It’s an odd feeling to talk to a stranger without seeing him. She can’t really tell when he’s joking or when he’s being serious. She’s not able to spot small things like the wave of his hand or him nodding or shaking his head while talking. She can’t to look him in the eye, see him smile or wrinkle his nose. She’s never noticed before how important sight was in a conversation.

She isn’t used to this. She isn’t used to seeing with her ears and hands rather than her eyes. Everything feels different, hell even she feels different. She feels self-conscious – trying very hard to find the right words for the things she tries to say. She often catches herself only nodding in response to Will’s question, realizing that he can’t see her non verbal responses.

“What do you want to drink, Laura?” Perry is standing next to her. She is touching her shoulder gently.

“Just water, please.”

“Alright. Here you go.” She shuffles around next to Laura, and then hands her the bottle. It’s a bit of a struggle since Laura can’t see the bottle and grasps at nothing twice. When she finally has the bottle in her hand, she is uncertain what to do. 

“I thought you were going to pour the water for me,” she says.

“Nope.”

“… but I don’t even know where the glass is.”

“It’s right in front of you.” Cautiously Laura lets her hands wander over the table. It’s all laid out. The cutlery next to the dishes, a soup plate and a dinner plate. When her fingers finally touch the glass, she nearly knocks it down, but is luckily fast enough to catch it before it topples over.

She isn’t sure what to do next. How is she supposed to pour the water into the glass and know when it’s full? She opens the bottle and maneuvers it right over the glass she’s holding in the other hand. Tentatively she pours the fluid.

“Before you make a mess, cutie...” Laura winces so hard that she is very close to creating the mess Carmilla is trying to warn her about. The other girl doesn’t notice her struggle. “You put one finger on the top of the glass, so that you know feel when it’s full.” Laura stops pouring and turns her head slightly to the right. She feels stupid; if she had thought about it even for one second, she could’ve figured it out herself. If you can’t see, you have to use your other senses. It was just so obvious. Laura puts her finger on the glass, just as Carmilla has told her.

“Way to spoil the fun, hottie!”

“Kirsch, I told you to stop calling my sister a hottie. It's just weird.”

“But she's a hottie,” the other guy says with utter conviction. Laura gets the feeling that this isn’t the first time the guys have this conversation. 

“Doesn't mean you have to say it every chance you get.”

When she feels the cold water grazing her fingers, she stops pouring and puts the glass down. She wants to put the bottle down next to her, but can’t find the cap. She’s sure she has put it down somewhere in front of her… With only one hand, the other one still holding the bottle she searches for the cap. It takes her some time since she’s trying not to knock anything down, but finally she finds it.

She sighs a breath of relief and puts the bottle down next to her chair.

“Well done, buttercup.”

“Why do you keep on calling me that?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Laura can almost hear the smile in the other girl’s voice. Of course Carmilla knows exactly what she is talking about; the innocent act hasn’t fooled Laura for a second.

“Sweetheart, cupcake, buttercup”, she lists, “my name’s Laura.”

“I know, sweetie. Don’t tell me you don’t like the names, _Laura_ ,” she punctuates her name.

“I…” Laura thinks about the tingly feeling she gets, when Carmilla calls her any one of those names. “I don’t.”

“But I do. I like them, cupcake.”

“You’re infuriating, you know that?”

“I know.”

Perry starts moving around again. The smell that has been lingering in the room since she entered only intensifies. It’s so good. She tries to remember the last time her own flat was filled with the delicious smell of home cooked food. Well, apart from warm up pizza or instant noodles. She didn’t cook and neither did her roommate.

Being a full time student and trying to be good at it, she didn’t have time for anything besides studying. And she had never been good at cooking. It shouldn’t be so hard to follow a recipe, but somehow she still managed to fuck up most of the time. So it was take away food or eating at the canteen whenever she was hungry. The last time she ate a home cooked meal was probably when she visited her dad and - since he only knew two recipes - she was sure it was either broccoli casserole or spaghetti Bolognese.

 “Everything’s ready,” Perry proclaims.

 “You’re not going to tell us what it is?”

“Nope, there are two bowls in middle of the table. The rest is up to you. Who wants to start?” She pauses for a second, but nobody answers. “How about you, Laura?”

“Me?”

“You have never done this before, so…” Perry moves around the table, her voice also drawing closer to where Laura sits. “Give me your hand.” She is standing next to Laura, her voice just behind her. Laura stretches out her hand in the direction she presumes Perry to be. Perry hands her something.

It’s long and round, like a twig or rod. but the texture is smooth. It must be some kind of kitchen utensil. Her fingers keep on exploring whatever it is she’s holding.

It’s a ladle.

“So, soup?”

“One hundred points to Gryffindor,” a girl says.

“You knew?” Laura asks.

“Of course. Perry’s a good cook, but she’s not very creative.”

“I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear that. Otherwise I’d have to find a new best friend.” Perry is still standing behind her teasing the other girl.

“Oh shut up, Perry.”

Laura is still frozen in place her knuckles probably turning white from her tight grip around the huge spoon. She can feel her blood circulating through her hand.

 “I don’t know guys; I’m only going to make a mess…”

“You got this, Laura,” Perry says. If she is trying to make Laura feel better, she fails. Slowly Laura gets up, leaning over the table. She prays that she isn’t going to knock anything over while she tries to find the bowl in the middle of the table.

“I’m starving over here,” Carmilla says. “Just let me do it, buttercup, or we’ll be stuck her until sunrise.”

“Ok.” Carmilla must think she was an incompetent fool, not being able to do anything on her own. Not able to pour herself a glass of water or to put soup on her plate. But at the same time she’s thankful for Carmilla’s intervention and she can’t help the thought that maybe… maybe the mysterious girl next to her offered her help not only because she is hungry, but because she knows how queasy Laura feels trying to locate the bowl of soup on the table.

She sits back down, her fingers still tightly clasping the ladle.

“So… you want me use my hands to ladle the soup onto my plate?”

“Oh… no, of course not, sorry!” Laura turns to her quickly, holding out the ladle towards Carmilla. “Here you go.”

“No need to stab me, cupcake.” She feels a soft pull when Carmilla’s finger grasp the scoop, Laura quickly lets go of the ladle. Laura wants to bury her face in her hands. She is such a klutz.

“Sorry,” she mumbles.

Carmilla says nothing. Laura hears her moving around next to her. It doesn’t take Carmilla long to find the bowl of soup. But then again, this was here home and she had done this before.

 “Give me your plate, Laura.”

“Umm, yeah sure.” Laura is eager to oblige, finding the soup plate fast and holding it out to her right. When Carmilla takes the plate, their fingers touch for a second. Quickly Laura lets go. Moments later Carmilla is handing her the full plate, warning her to hold it steady and not soak herself in the hot soup.

Laura puts the plate down in front of her. When everybody has their food in front of them, Laura takes her spoon into her hand. She starts eating slowly. Leaning forward, so her head is over her soup plate she eats slowly, trying not to spill too much. Her long hair is always on the brink of falling over her shoulders and into the soup. She should’ve brought a hair tie.

“So Laura,” one of the guys starts. He has a soothing voice. “I think you are in one of my Literature classes, the one about the Beobab guy…”                                                                                                               

“Beowulf,” Carmilla corrects him immediately. Laura tries very hard to keep from laughing. 

“Yeah whatever. You’re the little nerd hottie that always corrects me about Old English. I still don’t understand why we have to learn it since nobody speaks like that anymore.”

“That does sound like something I would do. And it’s so interesting to find out about the roots of English and how it developed. Languages are so interesting; the way they are not as stable as you might think, but fluid and changing, merging with other languages or dialects, forming something complete new.”

He laughs. “No doubt, you’re definitely the lingo nerd hottie from class.”

Laura tries to recall the class. She tries to remember the guy, but she has so many classes this year that she always mixes them up in her mind. She remembers this one guy that had also called her a hottie in front of the whole class and that kept talking about how hot Angelina Jolie was in the movie about Beowulf. He was unbelievably tall, with short dark hair and was always either wearing his letterman jacket or a tank top that showed off his muscles. She knew he was part of some kind of fraternity, because he kept on talking about his bros.

But that can’t be him. His voice sounds nothing like the jock that annoyed the hell out of her in their Lit class. He rather sounds like somebody a jock like that would pick on.

“I’m Kirsch by the way,” the guy says. She heard the name mentioned before, but wasn’t able to match it to one of the voices. She would have never thought it would be so hard to tell the different voices apart.

“Shit, we really are a bunch of idiots. We didn’t even introduce ourselves.” It’s a female voice she hasn’t heard before. When Laura entered the room before, Perry introduced her to the group and they echoed their “ _hellos_ ”, but otherwise didn’t introduce themselves.

“Hey Laura, I’m LaFontaine, but just call me LaF; everybody does,” a girl starts, “I’m a biology major and if you ever need a free blood test just call me up. I’m all about the science.”

“Umm, thank you.”

“I’m J.P. Don’t ask what it’s short for, I’m protecting that information with my life. I already have my degree in Biochemistry and am currently working on a project about the differen…”

“Nobody cares,” a girl interrupts him. Laura doesn’t think she’s heard her speak before. “Never admit you’re interested in what he says, because he won’t stop talking. Good thing you are dating them _now_ , J.P. You finally found somebody who’s not as stupid as me to...”

“We’re not dating,” both LaF and J.P. say at the same time.

“Yeah right…  I don’t care, really. Hi Laura,” her voice changes abruptly, it’s suddenly soft as velvet; so different from when she was talking to the guy. “I’m Natalie. Danny was my roommate when I first started university. She’s really amazing, so I’m so happy you guys hit it off.”

“Nice to meet you.” Laura feels a pang of guilt. Natalie is right of course, Danny is amazing. And before this evening she wanted nothing more than for them to get over the whole awkward we-are-friends-but-we-could-be-more period and jump right into being-able-to-kiss-her-whenever-she-wants period. But now… something had changed. She catches herself feeling glad that Danny isn’t here tonight. She turns slightly to her right. Even though she isn’t able to see or hear the girl next to her, she is still painfully aware of her presence.

“Theo,” another guy starts, but is interrupted by Carmilla.

“You honestly expect her to remember not only your names, but be able to match it to your voice, you buffoons? And you’re supposed to be smart.” She laughs crudely. “You’re worse than a bunch of first-graders playing stupid icebreaker games.”

A small discussion starts that ends quickly when Perry calls a stop to their banter.

“How about we postpone the introductions until dinner is over. Yes? Yes? Alright, because I spent hours in the kitchen preparing the food and it’s getting cold while you moan around.”


	3. Closer

Not being able to see anything is weird in the beginning. The soup is hard to eat. She dips her spoon into the soup, but when she tries to eat, the spoon is empty. It isn't easy to hold the spoon even, when she can't see her own hands. After the first dish Perry serves bruschetta with different toppings. Laura first tries to use her knife and fork, but surrenders quickly. It is hard enough to eat the bread with her hands since the topping keeps on landing on the table rather than in her mouth.

But it gets easier. It still feels strange to eat, talk and move while being virtually blind, but Laura has always been quick at adapting. It isn’t easy to tell the voices apart, but she gets better at it with time; knowing who is who is a different matter altogether.

A girl she presumes to be LaFontaine and the guy with the slight British accent, the one that has an abbreviation as a name, keep on talking about science stuff that Laura doesn’t understand at all. When they talk about genomes, genetic drift or leukocytes, Laura is reminded of the horrible biology lessons she had to suffer through in high school. T.J. or whatever his name is and LaFontaine however are immersed in their own little word.

Natalie is quiet. She has a soft voice - except when she talks to or about J.P. As far as Laura can tell, they used to date… apparently it didn’t end well. Then there is the guy from her Lit class, who keeps on saying bro or hottie whenever he talks. There are other voices she can’t really distinguish between. The only voice she can always identify is Carmilla’s. It’s probably, because she is sitting right next to her. Yeah, that has to be the reason. It has nothing, nothing at all to do with the fact that her heart leaps in her chest whenever the other girl speaks.   

Slowly Laura starts cutting the spaghetti in little pieces feeling the wrath of her ancestors upon her. She says a silent prayer asking for forgiveness. It's not like she has a choice. There is no way she can properly eat spaghetti blind. 

“If my grandma could see my right now, she’d turn in her grave.”

“Why’s that?”

“She was Italian. She once threw a fit when I put the spaghetti into the pot before the water was boiling. She was very peculiar about food.” Laura had been able to eat spaghetti properly, before she even knew what spaghetti were. After her mom’s death, her grandma had moved in with her dad and her. Her grandma wouldn’t be happy if she knew that her only granddaughter lived off fast food and instant noodles. She’d be furious.

“So, you’re half Italian?”

“I’m… My grandmother was Italian, so I suppose I’m a quarter Italian. Why are you asking?”

“Just curious, hottie.”

“So, you speak Italian?” a girl asked. It sounds like Natalie.

“Ehmm, no.”

“Too bad.”

“I understand some, we used to visit my nonna’s relatives in the summer when I was younger, but I never really got to learn it properly.”

“Really, Will?” Carmilla suddenly says next to her. Laura isn’t sure what they are talking about.

“I love the song.” She turns her attention from Will to the music in the background. For the first time she actively listens to the music. There had been music throughout the whole evening. A lot of different songs, a jumble of different genres. But the song that starts playing is unlike anything she has ever heard before.

It’s an instrumental song. Just the piano and it’s eerily beautiful. Most piano songs she knows remind her of a time long gone, a time when her mother was still there; she always felt like there is something inherently sad about the music a piano creates. Listening to it always makes her want to bawl her eyes out.

But this, this is different. It feels hopeful; strangely it reminds Laura of the spring; of the first flowers after a long winter, of a meadow full of rainbow colored flowers.

“This is beautiful.”

“The music? You like it?” Carmilla asks tentatively.

“I love it.”

“You sit next to the composer. My big sis, she’s very good, isn’t she?”

“Yes, she is,” Laura says at the same time, as Carmilla says, “I’m not.”

“You are," Laura repeats, "I used to play the piano when I was younger. But my dad didn’t like music after… he didn’t want me to play anymore. So he sold our keyboard.”

“I heard playing an instrument is like riding the bike. Once learned, it’s never forgotten,” one of the guys says.

“Who told you that? Playing the piano is much more than just hitting the correct keys at the right time. It certainly isn’t like riding a bike.” Carmilla sounds angry.

“I haven’t touched the keys in over fifteen years, I’m sure I can’t even play any of those ridiculous kids songs anymore. And I was never good anyways.” 

“We have a piano,” Will says, “if you want, you can play something later, Laura.”

“I don’t know…”

“Carm could help you out; she’s a good teacher as well.”

“I wouldn’t want her to…”

“It would be my pleasure,” Carmilla says quickly, “but you don’t need to; no pressure, cutie.”

Laura closes her eyes under the goggles and remembers her mom teaching her how to play the piano. The memory is so vivid that it gives Laura a chill. It seems to her that she can even feel her mother’s hands on her fingers as she guides them over the keys. Her eyes start burning and she quickly shakes her head, trying to get rid of the painful memory.

“Laura?”

“Yeah, sorry. Maybe one day.” She tries to keep her voice from betraying her.

“I drove our piano teacher crazy when I was younger,” Will says, “I hated it. And I was so bad at it; there aren’t even words to describe it. Mother had us practice the fucking piano, while all my friends were outside playing in the woods. And of course, Carmilla was a natural.”

“I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were. She composed her first song at the impressive age of nine, while I was mud wrestling my best friend in our back yard.”

“It was a shitty song.”

“Ell liked it.”

Carmilla doesn’t answer for a long time. The seconds tick away, the tension building until Carmilla breaks the silence with a nonchalant reply. “Ell liked everything.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“She liked you, Will.” Her voice is quiet, her words finite. The playful tone that always resonates in her words is gone, replaced by a bitter note.

Laura doesn’t have a brother or a sister, but she knows that the relationship that Will and Carmilla have is most definitely not what a healthy brother-sister relationship is supposed to look like. There is always some sort of rivalry and teasing, but something major must have happened between them. Probably not too long ago since most grudges fade with time.

The others at the table seem to be used to their behavior, they quickly change the topic to a movie that Laura hasn’t even heard about. They laugh about how the lead actor looks like a potato, a hot potato, but a potato nonetheless.

Laura can’t help but think about the silent girl next to her. The hurt in her voice had been real; echoing some of the pain Laura had felt at the memory of her mother. But everybody just ignored it and stopped paying attention to her. It doesn’t feel right.

She knows what pain feels like; and she knows what it feels like to feel the need to hide the aching pain away. Taking a deep breath, she thinks about something to say to the other girl. Laura isn’t really good at making small talk. She can always talk about the weather, but that's just cheap.

“Carmilla,” she starts, "so… philosophy.”

It is the first thing that comes to her mind remembering Carmilla’s field of study. It’s a start; everybody likes to talk about what they are passionate about, right?

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why philosophy?”

“Your interview skills are impeccable, Lois Lane. I’m sure you mean to ask why I choose to delve into the vast realm of philosophy rather than do something useful with my time.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s ok, cupcake. You’re not the first and certainly not the last to ask.”

Laura wants to argue, but Carmilla beats her to it.

“Maybe I just like to waste my mother’s money on things I know she hates; maybe I’m one of those dimwits who think their whole world will suddenly make sense once they can quote Kant, Hegel or Hume; maybe I just don’t want to accept the world the way it is at the moment; maybe I really don’t give a fuck about anything; maybe I like the challenge of trying to make sense things that are not explainable; maybe I like to make fun of imbeciles who  think they can impose order on an arbitrary universe: maybe I just enjoy finding always more questions instead of answers; maybe I am…”

“Alright, alright… so basically you’re a misanthrope who hates the whole world?”

“Hell is other people,” she starts reciting, “hell is my moronic brother…”

“I love you too, Carm,” he interjects. The tense exchange that only happened minutes before seems forgotten.  She just ignores him.

“… hell is his equally stupid friends; hell is cute girls asking too many questions when I’m not in the mood to answer them.”

“All right, got it. Too many questions, I’ll just shut up now.”

“Didn’t think, you’d back down so easy, cutie.”

“I know, when I’m not wanted.”

“Ouch. Don’t take it personally; I’m just not what you’d call a very social person.”

“I have noticed.”

So much for making her feel better; Laura knows she should be angry at Carmilla for brushing her off like that, but in a weird way she thinks she understands the other girl. She’s been hurt and is only trying to protect herself.

Again Laura wonders what Carmilla is even doing here. She said something about being forced to attend the dinner, but she can’t really make sense of it. At first Laura had just thought the other girl was being dramatic and just in a bad mood, but she slowly realizes that there might be more to it.

“There are a few things I’m good at,” Carmilla purrs. Seriously what is it with her that reminds Laura of a cat; and not a adorable, little house cat that spends the whole day sleeping in your bed or cuddling with you, but a big, dangerous cat that can rip you apart in a single moment of abstraction.

“Huh?” Laura tries very hard to repress the images that are trying to invade her mind. _Things Carmilla is good_ _at_ sounds very ominous and… promising. She remembers the mysterious girl asking her if she wants to get out of here. She remembers her hand on her arm, touching her reassuringly. Laura swallows hard.

“I’m a pretty good listener.”

“You are?”

“Yes.”

So Laura starts talking. Rambling might be a more appropriate term. She talks about her studies, about how much she loves university (a lot), about her favorite classes, about some stupid works of literature that she admires, about living on her own for the first time, about how messy her roommate is, about how Betty always steals her TARDIS cup, about how much she loves Dr. Who, about how she dressed up as the Doctor last Halloween.

Carmilla is just silently listening, every now and then asking a question. Laura talks about how she got lost on the way to her first class (she doesn’t mention that it was Danny that showed her the way at last), about how she still gets lost, since her sense of direction is non-existent. That’s when she realizes that the building of the philosophy department and her department are right next to each other. 

“You know, now that I think about it, it’s really weird that we never met before. Silas U isn’t very big after all.”

“It’s big enough for you to never cross paths with my dear brother, LaF or Perry.”

“True, but then again I’m never around the Economic Faculty. And I don’t even know where the biology labs are. However, the philosophy department is located right next to mine.”

“Maybe we have met, you just can’t remember.”

“I’m sure I would remember you,” Laura says quickly. Too quickly she realizes.

“And why’s that, cutie?”

Laura blushes. “Just… because.”

“Ah.” Carmilla knows. Of course she knows. She could as well be wearing a huge sign on her forehead proclaiming her stupid crush for the other girl. 

“I just meant… If I had seen you before, I’m sure I would recognize you,” she tries again in an attempt to recover whatever dignity she has still left.

“Technically, you still haven’t seen me, buttercup.”

“Well yeah, but you know what I mean.”

She laughs. “I do?”

“Of course you do. That’s so weird, I don’t even know what you look like and… ” _I am already falling for you._ Laura bites her lip. Damn Carmilla and her sultry voice and charm that makes her think and say things she wouldn’t otherwise.

“And?”

“… nothing.”

“If you say so.” Again Laura can hear her smile. Laura knows she should just stop talking, before she makes an even bigger idiot out of herself. But she likes talking to Carmilla. She’s different.  

They fall silent. Laura listens to Will tell one of the other guys about some kind of video game. This is probably the most awkward situation she has managed to maneuver herself into in a long, long time. Luckily the others seem to have ignored her conversation with Carmilla and have been talking among themselves. She wonders what Carmilla is thinking.

Laura curses her quick mouth; whenever she gets nervous the connections between her mind and mouth gets disconnected and stupid words just stumble out of her mouth.

“You want to find out, cupcake?”

“Find out what?”

“Do you want to know what I look like?”

“Of course,” Laura says promptly. Again her mouth is faster than her mind. “I mean… why not.”

“Give me your hands.”

“What?” Laura isn’t sure what Carmilla is means to do with her hands, but she complies anyway. She turns in her seat and stretches her arms out. “I’m not sure this is going to work, since I can’t see where you… oh!”

It doesn’t even take Carmilla a second to find her hands. Soft fingers grasp around Laura’s wrists, gently squeezing her hand while her thumbs rest on the palm of her hand. Laura forgets how to breathe for a second; momentarily disconcerted by the feathery touch on her skin. 

The other voices, Will’s soft laugh, the clinking of cutlery against dishes disappears completely; it’s like there is a bubble around them that drowns out all the other voices. It’s only them here.

“Since your seeing ability is somewhat… limited tonight, we’ll try something different.” She hears Carmilla shift next to her. Laura can feel their knees touching; nervously she wriggles in her chair.

Carmilla is still holding her hands and lifts them slowly up to her own face. Laura hopes that the other girl can’t tell how nervous she is. She tries to keep her fingers from shaking, willing them to stop trembling. Carmilla guides her hands until Laura feels the soft skin of Carmilla’s face under her fingers. Carmilla is still holding her hands in place, one thumb softly caressing Laura’s sensitive skin. Her touch ignites small wildfires all over Laura’s skin, burning even hotter than her cheeks. Nope, they should definitely not be doing that. Still Laura doesn’t find it in her heart to tell Carmilla to stop.

Her heart is busy anyway.

“I’m all yours, cupcake,” Carmilla says. It’s barely a whisper. She loosens her grip, her fingers grazing Laura’s forearm as she lets them drop down.

They are closer than they have ever been before. Unconsciously Laura had leaned into the touch, into Carmilla’s movement as she drew her closer, following her hands towards Carmilla; it’s really hard to tell how close they actually are since all Laura can see is the darkness surrounding her. She can hear Carmilla draw steady breaths, can feel her warm breath on her skin, clouding her senses.

She finally finds her voice. “I really don’t know what to do. This...”

“Don’t overanalyze it, cupcake. Just… feel.”

Laura feels her remaining resistance drop in a heavy sigh that escapes her lips. Her arms and her hands for that matter are frozen to the very spot where Carmilla had guided them; her muscles tense and unyielding, not daring to move even an inch. But the sensation of feeling Carmilla’s words, even before they leave her mouth, makes Laura snap out of the stasis that had captured her. Her hands are still clumsily touching Carmilla’s cheeks feeling her jaw move up and down forming words that she can barely make out.

Laura knows that she should just withdraw her hands; she should break the contact between them. Just do the proper thing. She knows what they are doing is wrong. She knows, but that isn’t keeping her from tentatively moving her fingers over Carmilla’s skin. Damn, how can her face be so soft and inviting? 

Somewhere in the back of her mind, a light turns to a dark, admonishing red, trying to warn her not to cross a predetermined line; warning her of the danger sitting across from her. She ignores the tug in her chest that tells her to keep her hands to herself. But even in midst her inner turmoil she knows that at the moment there is nothing more she wants to do than get lost in the feeling of touching the other girl so intimately.

The need to keep the contact is growing stronger by the second. She knows that whatever it is they are doing is a disaster waiting to happen, reminding herself of their company. She’s in a room full of Danny’s (the girl who was supposed to be her date for the evening she reminds herself) friends and she feels like they are watching her every move. If not watching, then at least listening to every word she says.

And then there is Carmilla. Laura can’t deny the obvious attraction she feels for the mysterious girl. She’s had crushes before. She knows what attraction feels like; at least she thought she knew. Now she isn’t so sure anymore. She has never before felt such a strong pull towards somebody, her attraction for the other girl feels inescapable. She feels drawn to her, like a moth to a flame. A flame she knows is probably going to burn her alive once she comes to close.

And she can’t bring herself to care. Laura is falling. She can’t help it. It’s stupid really. She hasn’t even seen the other girl and they know each other for what? An hour at most. That is to say, they don’t know each other at all. There are so many things she doesn’t know about the other girl; so many mysteries and questions. Carmilla is a puzzle she wants to solve.

Of course she remembers the argument between Carmilla and Will; remembers what Will said about Carmilla getting back at him by fooling around with Laura. Her mind is screaming at her to stop. Most likely Carmilla is playing with her; playing her. But when her thumb accidently grazes what could only be Carmilla’s lips, she feels her heart leap into her throat. She lets her thumb linger for a moment longer than she should have and feels Carmilla’s mouth turn into a smile.

It takes all her self-restraint to not draw the line of her mouth with her fingertips. Reluctantly she moves her fingers away, still remembering the feeling of Carmilla’s lips. She completely loses herself in the soft touches.

It doesn’t even matter that her touches are clumsy and awkward. This isn’t something she has ever done before; touching a stranger in such an intimate way. But then again, this is Carmilla, not a complete stranger. She trails her fingers over Carmilla’s chin, cheeks, her nose and her forehead; she feels plump moving her hands around in the darkness in front of her. Not being able to see the girl she is currently touching. She tries to imagine what she looks like, tries to draw a mental image of Carmilla in her mind. It is driving her crazy that she comes up empty.

She wants nothing more than to rid herself of the stupid goggles that make it impossible to see Carmilla. Before she knows what she is doing her hand moves of its own accord, touching the strap that is literally rendering her blind. Carmilla must have sensed her agitation, must have felt her hand move away, because she leans towards Laura.

“Don’t,” she says. Laura stops dead in her tracks. “Let’s savor this… fantasy a while longer.”

Carmilla’s hand finds hers that is still cradling the strap only seconds away from yanking the goggles off. She covers her hand conveniently making it impossible for Laura to move her own hand away. Then again, it’s not like Laura would willingly break their physical contact.

“Thank you.”

“I… you-” Again, she doesn’t find words to express what she is feeling at the moment. As an aspiring journalist she should really be more articulate; she should really think about a career change.

Carmilla moves her hands again. Laura’s other hand is still resting on Carmilla’s cheek. The thought of breaking the contact hasn’t even occurred to Laura. Second later, Carmilla has moved their hands, so that now Laura is holding the other girl’s hands in hers. Laura latches onto her hands. She fears that Carmilla is just going to dissappear if she loosens her hold. 

Carmilla laughs. Her laugh is like her voice. On the one hand it’s deep and vibrant and sends a shiver though Laura’s body, but on the other hand it’s so soft and soothing that Laura wants to drown in the sound.

“My turn.”

Carmilla’s hands are soft – not as soft as her face though. Laura gently navigates them to her own face. She holds her breath in anticipation, her skin tingling when Carmilla’s fingers touch her cheek. She feels nervous and self-conscious.

Carmilla cups her cheeks with her hands and runs her thumb down her jaw line. Her touches are confident; she knows what she is doing. Laura’s heart sinks at the thought that she isn’t the first girl that Carmilla has touched like this. Her own touches had been clumsy and inexperienced; Carmilla knows exactly what she is doing.

She’s running her fingers across her cheeks, drawing patterns Laura isn’t able to make out. She’s drawing small circles, letters and shapes on her skin. It feels like she is trying to convey a message in her touches that Laura can’t make out; like she is writing in a language Laura doesn’t know.

She is running her fingers over the bridge of her nose, grazing the point of her nose with her fingertips, letting her fingers trail over the side of her nose. Carmilla lets out a small grunt when she touches the goggles, annoyed at the barrier that blocks her fingers from roaming freely. Her fingers glide up towards her forhead, drawing the outline of her face, trailing along her hairline, tracing the curve of her brow with swift fingers. She uses one hand to tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear, while the other hand moves on to caress her cheek again. 

The soft touches are sending shivers down Laura’s spine. Carmilla’s fingers explore her face like it’s the most precious thing she has ever touched. At times it feels almost like she is massaging Laura’s skin, drawing small circles on Laura’s temples, before running her fingers over her forehead again. She is running her fingers down her face in a circular movement, her hands meeting just below her mouth. Her thumb barely grazing Laura’s lip, that quivers slightly at the touch.  

“You are beautiful, Laura,” Carmilla whispers, the syllables hovering over her nose in a rush of warm breath.

“It’s not like you can tell from touching my face.” It sounds harsher than she wants it to. Carmilla’s flattery made her even more self-conscious and her mind slowly starts working again; remembering the warning bells that had been ringing in her head nonstop since Carmilla first touched her.

But Carmilla only laughs, her fingers playing with a another stray lock of Laura’s hair. She hasn’t moved an inch away, if anything she is only getting closer to Laura.

Laura feels soft hair touching her face, a floral and musky smell invading her senses. Her heart stops for a second, before throbbing violently in her chest. Laura hears Carmilla breathing into her ear. Evenly. It’s driving her crazy how composed Carmilla still is, drawing steady breaths, while she is very near to fainting.

“When I told my idiot brother that I was only being nice to you, I lied.” Her voice is so deep and sensual that it makes Laura's insides tingle. “I’m totally, one hundred percent hitting one you.”

Laura isn’t stupid. Of course she knows that what they are doing isn’t a friendly get-to-know-you game. Her words aren’t a surprise, since all Carmilla had done since they met was hitting on her. But still… saying the words makes what they have more real.

Laura feels Carmilla's breath on her skin and her mouth is still so close, nearly touching Laura’s earlobe. She closes her useless eyes and tries to even her breathing.

_Worst. Crush. Ever._


	4. Eyes Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of the story as well as the quote at the beginning of the chapter is taken from “Wooden Heart” by Listener. If you don’t know the song, give it a go. Listener is one of those few bands out there who are both amazing songwriters and performers. 
> 
> There is a considerable time leap in between this chapter and the previous; it's still the same evening though. There is going to be a flashback that'll include part of what happened meanwhile. And we are finally getting to the part of the story I was both anxious and excited to write.

_“It's not only when these eyes are closed  
these lies are ropes and I tied them to my stomach  
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather  
my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north_ _”_

It’s cold and dark outside. Laura realizes that she doesn’t even know what time it is; she quickly sifts through the pockets of her trousers to check the time on her phone. When she comes up empty, she remembers leaving her phone in her jacket. Her warm and cozy jacket that is currently somewhere inside the house - inside where she is supposed to be as well. She casts a backward glance at the huge mansion behind her; no, she isn’t going to head back inside; not before she finds what she’s looking for.

Sighing she wraps her arms around herself, rubbing her hands on her bare arms to keep them from shaking. It isn’t even that cold, she tells herself. She is only wearing her tee; she didn't even think about wearing a jacket. She just wanted to go and find her.  

“Why are you following me?”

Laura winces. She quickly turns around. A dark shadow she knows to be Carmilla is sitting on a wooden bench, her arms hugging her legs tightly to her body. She passed by her only mere seoncds ago not seeing her hiding in the shadows. Laura can barely make out her silhouette in the dark. The moon is hiding behind thick clouds and dips the night in faint light.

Tentatively Laura takes a few steps in her direction. She is so nervous that she nearly trips over her own feet trying to make her way to the other girl. She quickly glances down, silently cursing herself for being so clumsy. A soft chuckle resonates through the dimly lit garden and the sound draws Laura only closer to her.

She makes her way towards the dark shadow; her heart beats loudly in anticipation of finally being able to see her. With her heart throbbing loudly she remembers the soft skin under her fingers. Laura remembers seeing her with her hands, feeling her lips turn into a smile under her fingers, feeling the up and down movement of her jaw as she talked. She remembers how close they were, the feeling of Carmilla’s lips hovering only inches from her earlobe; remembers the sensations that shot through her body when she felt her warm breath on her skin.

She tries to shake her nervousness, tries to shake the gut feeling that Carmilla had only been playing her.

That this really was nothing more than a game to her.

*~*~*

_Will’s strained voice disturbed whatever they were doing. Carmilla was still only inches away from her, her hand still cradling strands of Laura’s hair. He was nothing but a gentleman when he asked his sister if they could just talk in private for a second. Carmilla followed him outside._

_Laura heard the door close behind them and it didn’t take long until the civil talk they were supposed to have, turned into them shouting at each other. Laura couldn’t make out what they were saying, partly because the door was closed and partly because Kirsch tried to engage her in conversation. She knew that it was none of her business what was going on between the siblings, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that it was her business. That she was the reason they were arguing._

_The door opened and seconds later there was a loud thud when it banged against something. Laura winced at the loud sound._

_“You don’t know shit, Will.”_

_He didn't answer. Laura heard angry steps striding closer to where she was sitting. Nobody said anything._ _Carmilla walked around the table to her place. But she didn’t sit down, instead Laura heard her picked something up._

_“Sorry, cupcake,” she bit out. Her voice was strained. “Didn’t mean to ruin your evening. I have to get going; things to do, people to see.”_

_Laura wanted to say something, wanted to ask her to stay, wanted to ask her what was wrong. But before she was able to utter a single syllable, the other girl had already left._

_The door fell close behind Carmilla and just like that she was gone. Gone from her life. Laura felt angry at herself, at Will, at Danny, at Carmilla. What happened, how did they go from being so intimate with each other to just parting ways like that?_

_"What the fuck just happened?" She was surprised at herself; she didn't curse normally. Her dad hated it when she did._

_Will just sighed, before he started explaining._

*~*~*

Laura halts a few meters from Carmilla. She is sitting on a wooden bench, leaning against the backrest, her legs pulled close to her body. She isn’t looking at Laura, her chin resting on her knees and her head is turned away from Laura, slightly tilted upwards. Long, dark hair makes it impossible for Laura to see more than shadows where her face is supposed to be.

Carmilla is clad all in black. Black leather pants and an equally dark shirt that is leaving her arms bare. In contrast her skin is fair, eerily pale in the faint light of the moon. She looks like a mysterious figure out of a fantasy novel; a mysterious queen with magical powers that lives in a castle on top of a hill; an alluring mystical creature that feeds of human chi or blood. That's what she could look like. But at the moment all Laura sees is a girl. She's hunched on the bank and looks like she's hiding. 

She isn’t at all what Laura had expected, but at the same time she’s so much more. She certainly looks different from the mental picture Laura had drawn inside her mind during the dinner. 

Only now she remembers the question Carmilla has asked her. Not ready to answer that question and not sure if she even has an answer, she asks one of her own.

“Why are you running away?”

Carmilla looks in her direction for a second, before gazing up at the stars. Stars she can’t even see, because the night sky is cloudy.

“I’m not running away.” A shiver goes through her; Carmilla’s voice is stinging her body like a million, little icicles. It's chillier than the night around them.

“Then why did you leave?”

“I…I’m,” she starts, but her voice leaves her before she speaks the words she meant to say. Carmilla clears her throat. “You want to sit down?”

She scooches over leaving the right side of the bank for Laura.

Laura nods, taking a seat next to her; leaving enough space between them to not feel like a creep, but still close enough to feel the warmth radiating from Carmilla’s body. She leans back, glancing over at Carmilla. The other girl takes a deep breath, releasing it in a puff of white fog.

“You must be cold.”

“I’m alright.”

“Here.” Laura isn’t sure where Carmilla suddenly procured a blanket, but she takes it thankfully. She wraps her body in the cover, only now realizing that she is shivering. The wool feels itchy on her skin, but she's happy for the additional layer to keep warm.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“No,” Carmilla just says. Her voice is definite, not allowing Laura to question something as a simple as a no. Her whole demeanor has changed; she is somewhat clinical, more guarded than she was inside. For a moment Laura wonders if this really is the same girl as before.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, Laura.”

She still hasn’t turned once to look at her; her head isn't necessarily turned away from Laura, but at the same time she isn't showing the slightest inclination to turn towards her. Laura is still wondering about what it means that Carmilla is actually calling her by her given name, rather than by one of her ridiculous pet names, when Carmilla speaks up again.

“I’m not a good person.”

“Of course you are,” she shoots back without a second thought.

“I’m not.” Carmilla shakes her head, her hair following the soft movement. Her words are hard and strained. “I’m sure Will told you all about it.”

“He told me nothing,” Laura says remembering his curt and bland answers to her questions. He honestly told her nothing of importance. For somebody that seemed to hate his sister, he was rather protective of her.

“Really? I was sure he was going to brag about how he saved you from falling prey to his evil and vicious sister.”

“He didn’t. I… you’re not evil, Carmilla.” The words hurt Laura more than they should. It hurts her that Carmilla thinks of herself as evil; again she thinks about how Will even defended her, but told her at the same time to stay away from his sister. She can't make head nor tail of the siblings. “There is no evil. We’re not some cartoonish characters in a stupid 19th century novella; in real life there is no black and white.”

Carmilla laughs. Laura remembers the way she felt the vibrations of her laughter in the air before, remembers how soft and soothing the sound felt; but now her cackle feels like multiple stab wounds to the chest.

“But I am, cupcake. He was right, you know; it was nothing more than a ploy to get back at him. Danny is one of his closest friends; she’s very important to him. The opportunity was just too perfect to pass up on. A chance to both fuck with him and Clifford…”

“No...”

“It’s nothing personal, sweetheart. Will acts like a white knight most of the time, but he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He deserves everything he’s got coming. Same goes for your tall, red girlfriend.”

“No.” Laura shakes her head not believing a word. Not able to believe a word she is saying. She remembers soft fingers caressing her face like she is the most precious thing Carmilla has ever laid her hands on. 

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry you got caught up in this mess. You seem like a nice enough girl, and you know, nothing even happened. You and Xena can still get your happy ending.”

“What if I don’t want that?”

Carmilla halts, her whole body going rigid. “Don’t be stupid, Laura. She’s everything you could ever wish for.”

“Maybe I want something, no _somebody_ else.”

“You don’t. Snap out of it, cupcake. This,” she gestures between herself and Laura, “this hasn’t been real. It was a trick, a fantasy, a game. Nothing more. And it’s over.”

“It didn’t feel like a trick to me.”

“What can I say, I’m a talented actress.”

Laura struggles to breath, the air compressing around her. She closes her eyes, seeing their... _something_ collapse like a house of cards in front of her. _No, no, no._ Gentle fingers playing with a strand of her hair, drawing the curve of her eyebrows, Carmilla's breath tickling her skin, teasing words getting whispered into her ear. 

“I don’t believe you.”

Carmilla is trying to hide something, trying to drive her away. Nervously Laura plays with the blanket not daring to look at the other girl. She refuses to accept her words. 

“Laura, listen very carefully to me. You are nothing to me, what we did; it was a game, I was playing you. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s over now. You’re just too caught up inside this lie to realize it. It’s over,” she repeats. Every word is another stab meant to drive Laura farther and farther away. 

Laura remembers the feeling of Carmilla's lips under her fingertips, the way her mouth turned into a soft smile under the touch. If she had been faking it, she truly was a great actress. The way she whispered into her ear, took Laura's breath away. It felt so real. The feeling that this is _it_. Whatever it is. 

She closes her eyes, trying to rid herself of the memories. She knew she was playing with fire, she knew she was gonna get burnt. She just didn't expect it to happen, before it even started. She knows that Carmilla isn't telling her everything, but she doesn't know how to win her trust. She doesn't know what she did wrong, what it is that is making Carmilla act so stand-offish.

She's still protectively hugging her legs to her body, her eyes averted.  

“You can’t even look me in the eyes, Carmilla.”

She wants to touch Carmilla, wants to hold her hand, wants her to just tell the truth, to stop lying and trying to sweep something, whatever that may be, under the carpet. But Carmilla seems so far away, her whole body language telling Laura to stay the hell away. Even hearing Laura's words, she doesn’t lift her head. She just takes a deep breath, it seems almost desperate now.

“Maybe you should go.”

“Maybe I should,” Laura agrees, but she doesn’t move. She lets her words linger between them.  

Carmilla shifts next to her, she moves her legs to the groun and runs her fingers through her long hair, not visibly paying any attention to Laura. Nobody says anything.  

The silence is excruciating. Laura feels like maybe she should just go. Maybe she has overstayed her welcome. She takes a deep breath making a desicion.  She reaches out towards Carmilla. She touches her arm and the other girl flinches, moving even farther away. Her skin is cold. Ice cold. 

“Oh my god, you’re freezing.”

She takes the blanket and uses it cover both of them, closing the gap that Carmilla put in between them only moments before. Carmilla doesn’t move or react in any way this time. She lets Laura tug her in; contrary to her instincts Laura tries not to touch Carmilla while doing so; she doesn’t want to feel Carmilla flinch away from her touch for a second time.

She tries to catch a glimpse of Carmilla’s face, but her face is hidden behind her hair, her head twisted to the side. They are sitting closer to each other than before, their bodies still not touching. Carmilla uses her arm to hold the blanket in place, her hand resting in between their bodies.

“Carmilla.” She doesn’t react. “Carmilla, Carm… I’m not leaving.”

She takes a long time to react to that statement. “If I knew you were so clingy beforehand, I would never have bothered.” Her voice has lost the sharpness though. It almost sounds like she has given up, on what Laura can’t say.

“What is it that you are afraid of?” she finally gathers enough courage to ask. 

Carmilla doesn’t answer.

“This isn’t even about Will or Danny, is it?”

“No.” She’s surprised at Carmilla’s honest answer. “No, it’s not.”

“What is…”, she starts, but Carmilla interrupts her.

“You don’t know me. The girl you met inside, that isn’t me… well, it is in a way, I guess, but there are some things you don’t know. It wasn’t fair what I did. But,” she struggles to find the right words, “I couldn’t help myself. It felt nice, you know. This evening has been the first time that I have enjoyed myself in a very, very long time; I don’t _want_ to push you away, Laura. But I have to.

"I was selfish, enjoying you, us more than I should have. You’re a blank page and just for a second… I felt normal. You made me feel normal. But it wasn’t fair, I made you think I am someone, I’m not. You probably won't believe me if I told you I longed for those few moments to last forever. But I did, I do. And that's why it can't happen. I don't want you to end up... I just don't." There is so much more in her words; so many things left unsaid, so much to be read in between the lines. So much Laura can't make any sense of. 

“Carmilla, I don’t understand…”

“I know, you don’t, cupcake. I know.”

“Then… why don’t you explain it to me?”

“I don’t know how… I never had to; people always just… knew.”

“Knew what?”

She ignores her question. “You don’t want me, Laura. You think you do, but you don’t. I could never be the person you want me to be. I could never be enough. I’m more trouble than I am worth.”

Laura knows how hard this is for her; she knows how much of a struggle Carmilla is going through to even vocalize those words. She knows this. And still, she pushes. She can't help herself. 

“That should be my decision, shouldn’t it? And maybe it is you that deserves better. We’ve all done shitty things, that doesn’t make us undeserving of…” _Love_. That’s what she wants to say, but she’s afraid that Carmilla will just retreat back into her snail shell; that she will shut her out again. “… of being listened to. And I’m here. I want to be here. With you.”

Maybe she said too much, maybe she offered to much. 

Carmilla doesn't react, she keeps staring at everything but Laura. Her right hand plays with the blanket, spinning the fabric in her fingers. She opened up, she started to trust her and Laura has just fucked it up. She wasn't always good at finding the right words at the right time. Most of the time she just talked, vocalized her thougths. People always told her honesty was a good and amiable trait; most of the times her honesty kept on biting her in the ass. 

“Tell me what you see,” Carmilla finally says. Laura is surprised to hear her speak.

“What do you mean?”

“Just describe, you know, what you see…” Her hands reach out, pointing at the garden, the pond, the night sky. Laura has to tear her eyes off Carmilla to be able to do what she asks of her. She hasn’t noticed before, that she has been staring at the other girl throughout their whole conversation.

“It’s dark. There’s not much to see.” Laura shrugs. “We’re in your garden, the moon is hiding behind dark clouds, it’s dark; you can’t see the stars.  There are trees around us, they make it even darker. Don’t know what kind, even though I grew up in a small town, I’m not very familiar with nature. Maybe an oak tree. There’s a pond over there, there are a lot of different flowers surrounding it. Over there is some kind of statue, but it's too dark to make out any details. If I turned around I would be able to see your big ass mansion and the stony path to where we are sitting. And there is… you.”

Again her eyes trail over Carmilla while she tries to come up with something to describe her. She doesn’t really know how to. Her words fail her. Instead she settles for staring at Carmilla. Again. Something she’s making a habit of. Carmilla runs a hand through her hair, leaving her dark curls even messier than before. 

“Do you want me to tell you what I see?” Carmilla asks.

Laura nods. “Yes.”

She still doesn’t know what Carmilla is trying to accomplish. Was this a peace offering? Was she trying to tell Laura, that it's okay, that they are okay? Was this her way of taking their mind of the heavy shit they had been arguing about? 

Carmilla draws a deep breath. “I hear the rustling of the leaves behind us. It’s soft and sporadic and reminds me of the fact that in a couple of weeks there aren’t going to be any leaves left on the trees. It’s sad, but at least I know that in spring there will be new leaves, new life on the trees. I can hear the frogs over at the pond; it's only the young ones, the old can't be bothered anymore. Sometimes they croak the whole night, but they have been realitvely quiet tonight, only occasionally making themselves felt. It's probably because our cat is somewhere over there as well; trying to get lucky tonight. 

"I can still feel the sun, even though you can’t see it anymore. It lingers in the air long after it has gone down, disappeared from view. It’s a warmth I can feel in the air, softly caressing my skin; but it's nothing more than a faint lingering now. I have always loved the night; Will... Ell and I used to go out to play in the dark, when we were younger. I know they hated it out here, but they did it for me. Mother always got so angry. God, that was so long ago. 

"I can feel the cold concrete under my feet, it’s always somewhat cold here, even in the middle of the day, because the sun only occasionally finds its way through the thick trees. I like that, it makes me feel somewhat connected, grounded. I can feel the scratchy fabric of the blanket on my skin.  

"Normally I’d be able to smell the night as well. It’s not that different from the day, but the flowers don’t smell as heavy in the night and the air is cleaner, I guess. You can breathe more freely. It's like a weight is lifted from you. There are fewer people, you can't hear the noise of cars or people making a fuss. Everybody's asleep. It's peaceful.

"But at the moment… I can only smell a faint sense of roses and apples. You’re clouding my senses, Laura. It's driving me nuts. I have never been so aware of someone before. I can feel you move your hand, I can feel every breath you take, every heart beat. You are so clear. You are taking quick breaths right now and it makes me think that you are nervous. Which doesn't really make any sense since it’s you that is making me more nervous than I’ve been since… for a long time,” she admits and Laura wonders for a second if Carmilla can also feel how her breath hitches at hearing her say those words. 

Laura turns around in a sudden need to be closer to Carmilla; the blanket slips from her lap leaving her exposed to the coldness of the night. She pulls one of her legs up, crossing it under her body. The cold air brushes against her skin, sending shivers through her body; she doesn’t even notice, instead all her attention is focused on the dark haired girl sitting only inches away.  

Carmilla’s hand is still resting in between their bodies. Softly Laura touches her hand, intertwining their fingers. Carmilla stiffens, but does nothing to break the contact. Her hand feels cold. Laura cradles it in her own, trying to share her warmth with the other girl. 

“Carmilla, look at me.”

The dark haired girl takes some time to react. For a moment she is frozen, unable to move a muscle, looking up at the sky; then she slowly turns towards Laura. She mimics Laura’s pose as she faces her, their hands still interlaced in between their bodies.

Her eyes are closed when she turns. For the first time Laura sees more than her perfect jaw line and her hair hiding her face. It’s still dark around them, but Laura has become somewhat accustomed to the darkness. She wants to raise her hand to touch the softness of her cheeks again, but her muscles don’t comply. Her eyes trail Carmilla’s jaw, admire the fullness of her lips, follow the soft curve of her brows, marvel her high cheekbones and nearly get cut on her sharp features. 

She watches Carmilla’s lids flutter.

When Carmilla opens her eyes Laura’s heart stops for a second. A small gasp escapes her lips and at the same time she feels Carmilla draw away from her; her eyes flutter close again and she moves her body away from Laura.

Laura squeezes her hand softly. “Don’t, don’t,” she whispers, “Carm, trust me.”

Carmilla doesn’t move closer again, but stops in her movement and opens her eyes again. A million thoughts invade Laura’s mind at the same time. She doesn't know what to think. What to feel. It's too much. 

She remembers how expertly Carmilla's fingers moved over her skin, like she did this everyday, like this was how she saw people. Laura feels a weight on her body that is dragging her down. Her heart feels heavy. 

Carmilla's eyes are the warmest shade of brown she has ever seen. They are the color of chestnuts or pecan shells, a medium-brown with a hint of reddish or orange tones. But something is different. Laura needs a few seconds to realize what it is. Where the dark jet black of her pupils is supposed to be, the brown of her iris continues. Carmilla doesn't have pupils. Her eyes are solely a cloudy, muted brown with specks of lighter colors shining through. 

They are not clear, Laura can't differentiate between the different shades, there are no lines, no patterns to be seen. The color of her eyes is not distinct, it's a blend of the various tones. Something similar to a veil blurs her eyes. They remind Laura of a snowstorm or thick fog hazing her view. Like a blurred painting that is still beautiful. 

She forgets how to breathe for a second; the realization strikes her like a ton of bricks straight in the face. She can't look away, her eyes are glued to the other girl.  

“Say something,” Carmilla says almost desperately. Her hand is trembling. Her eyes move for the first time, darting from left to right without seeing anything.  


	5. Seeing Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of your amazing feedback for the last chapter! And I'm so, so sorry this chapter took me so long, but life was just crazy busy and I was struggling a bit with this chapter. Enjoy!

“So,” Laura finally starts when she finds her voice again. Her mind is still blank. "When you said… when you said I was beautiful, you actually meant it.”

“What?”

“After you, you know, touched my face, you said I was beautiful.”

“That’s what you’re going for, cupcake?” Carmilla raises her left eyebrow so high, that it dissapeares behind her bangs. “But, yes. I think you are beautiful. But not because your skin is so fucking soft, I just never want to stop running my fingers over it. Or because you smell divine – by the way you have to tell me what shampoo you are using, it's driving me insane. Or because you do this strange little things while you talk, like stress the end of every sentence like you're asking a question, when you are not.

“But there's more. I don't perceive beauty like other people do. Beauty for me is not about being a size zero, about how big or small somebody is, what their skin color is, or if their eyeliner is perfect. For me beauty isn't physical. I can appreciate all those things, but they are not beauty. I don't really need eyes to enjoy beauty, that's beauty for me. Beauty is a feeling. It's feeling the warmth of your hand around mine; it's the way that simple touch makes me feel a million different things.”

Laura moves closer, so close that her knee is touching Carmilla. She brings their still intertwined hands up and presses soft kisses on Carmilla's knuckles. Using other hand to brush the hair out of Carmilla's face, Laura cups her cheek with her free hand, while her thumb is softly caressing Carmilla's skin. She sits up straight, searching Carmilla's face. 

“So are you. You are beautiful, Carmilla.”

They bodies are moving even closer, Carmilla has wrapped an arm around her waist. Her hand is just resting on her lower back like a promise she doesn't even have to voice. The blanket has fallen to the ground, but neither of them notices. They are too caught up with each other to notice anything else. Their faces are only inces apart, she feels Carmilla's warm breath on her skin. She remembers how they had been in a similar situation minutes before. Remembers how much she had longed for her touch, to have Carmilla touch her, to be able to touch Carmilla. Again and again, her eyes dart towards Carmilla's lips. In the dim moonlight they look so inviting, so tempting. Laura licks her lips in anticipation of what's to come. 

“You can kiss me, Laura.” Her voice is husky, dark. 

Without losing a second, Laura closes the gap between them. Their kiss is tentative, Laura closes her eyes. She wants to feel every second of this. Their lips are moving against each other gingerly. Laura lets out a small whimper and feels Carmilla's mouth turn into a smile. This woman is going to be the death of her. Her lips are just to goddamn soft, and they just seem to fit together perfectly. Carmilla pulls her closer, her hand moving up from her lower back entangling itself in Laura's long and curly hair. She plays with strands of her hair, softly curling them in her fingers, while putting small kisses on the corners of her mouth. She draws back, her hand still roaming through Laura's hair. 

“I really like you, cupcake,” she says stressing every word. Like before Laura can feel the words - feel the air that escapes Carmilla's mouth when she voices them - before she can hear them. Laura laughs, because what else is there to do. She tries to remember the last time she's been so happy. The last time she felt like jumping for joy, the last time somebody made her feel that special. It feels like a lifetime ago. Carmilla is still twisting a strand of her hair between her fingers.

“I like you too, Carmilla.” 

Carmilla moves their entangled hands up and this time it's her that presses a gentle kiss on Laura's hand. Laura's skin tingles where Carmilla's lips touch her. She is amazed by how gentle Carmilla's touches are. She doesn't think anybody has ever touched her the way the dark haired girl does. Her touches are soft and intimate, full of promises and full of attentiveness. Carmilla is treating her like she is somebody. Somebody special. Somebody that means a lot to her. Somebody she would never hurt. 

Only now does Laura realize that Carmilla's hands are freezing. There are small goosebumps all over her arms, but she doesn't seem to care at all. 

"You're are freezing. Again."

"I don't care," Carmilla just says leaning in again. 

"Well, you should." Laura pulls away. "I don't want you to catch a cold or die of pneumonia."

"We're living in the 21st century, nobody dies of pneumonia anymore, cutie." Carmilla leans in again, but Laura puts even more distance between them. She is well aware of the fact that if Carmilla kissed her again, she might just forget what she was about to say. 

"People still do. And I don't want you to be one of them." Carmilla makes a sound that sounds like a mix of a huff and a laugh. Laura just ignores her and the way her fingers are still drawing delicate patterns on the back of her hand. "Maybe we should get back inside?"

"No."

"Ok."

"I just, I don't really want to see any of those idiots at the moment. I just want to be here with you."

Laura make a decision then. She sits up and picks up the blanket to throw it over the both of them, while she snuggles up against Carmilla. The other girl wraps an arm around her pulling their bodies closer to each other. The mere gesture makes Laura feel warm all over again. It's probably some weird hormone thing that is currently happening inside of her body that makes her feel all tingly and content.  

"Are you ok, cupcake?"

"I am more than okay," Laura smiles, "by the way Carmilla, why do you keep calling me those petnames? Isn't that a bit early?”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” Laura says before realizing it, “I mean, I don’t know. I was just wondering if this is your thing, if it is a ploy to you know…”

“… to get girls?” Carmilla laughs. “It’s not. Honestly. But I guess that means it's working on you, huh? Good to know. But it's not... it's just easier.” 

“Easier? Easier how?”

“I'm not good at remembering names, I'm not good at recognizing people I only met a handful of times. But somehow they always expect me to. Somebody comes up to me, shouts a hello in my ear like I'm fucking deaf and, you know, expects me to recognize them at once. Most of the time, I don't. So I made a habit of using nicknames; but if you want, I can stop it. Saying your name feels pretty nice too, Laura. Laura.”

“I like it too,” Laura manages to say with a weak voice. “But I also like the, you know, nicknames. Though I think it's going to make me pretty jealous, when you call other girls  _cupcake_  or  _cutie_ ,” Laura admits. 

“Then I won't.”

“Really?”

“Of course.”

"You're amazing, you know that?"

"I don't think not calling other people  _cutie_  or  _sweetheart_  is generally considered amazing, but I take it."

"You are, Carmilla." 

"You know, I... a teeny part of me had hoped that you could actually like me, but I didn't really believe we, you... and now, look at us."

Laura isn't really sure what she means. Yeah, she doesn't really know Carmilla, she doesn't know who her best friend in kindergarden was, what the first record was she bought herself, who she looks up to, what she is doing in her free time... there are a lot of things she doesn't know about Carmilla Karnstein. But she doesn't believe that there is something that could ever make her not like the other girl. 

“Was that why you left? Because you were afraid, I'd... reject you, because you are... because you are blind?" she asks slowly. 

Carmilla takes some time to answer. She leans her head back against the wall and takes a deep breath. 

“I liked you, from the first moment. I felt something when you entered the room, I can't really describe it. It wasn't attraction, it was something deeper, something... more. I just wanted to make you laugh, make you feel happy. And I guess I was just afraid. Afraid how you'd react; if you'd be like everybody else in the end. Everybody treats me like I’m... that all that makes me me is what I am not. That my disability is me. They treat me like I am this fragile, little puppet that breaks when you put a little bit of pressure on it. Like they have to tiptoe around me. If it were up to my mom, I'd probably never leave the house. They act like being blind is all that I am.”

“I don't think that. I know that you are so much more, which is really strange, isn't it? I don't know anything about you, and I still feel like I know you.”

“You know some things... that I am an amazing kisser for example.”

Laura hits her arm. “You are going to be the death of me, you know that?”

"Well, I am an amazing kisser."

And she was. Laura feels a pang of jealousy when she thinks of all the people that Carmilla has kissed before her, of all the people she has been intimate with. It's stupid that's she jealous of people that are probably no longer a part of Carmilla's life, but she can't really help it. 

"But I'd like to get to know you as well, Laura."

Again with only a few words, Carmilla makes her forget everything; the petty jealousy she had been feeling before is gone within a second. Instead she looks up at Carmilla, who is smiling at her.  

“That sound like a good idea, Carm. Hmm, so what's your favorite season?"

"Springtime," Carmilla asks without giving it much thought.

"Mine's summer. Favorite flavor of ice cream?"

"Chocolate. Yours?"

"Mint. Favorite food?”

“Steak. Yours?”

“Anything Italian really. My nonna used to cook for us all the time, when I was younger. It was the best I've ever eaten.”

“Us? Do you have any siblings? Or just your mom and dad?”

“I... no siblings, no. And it's only me and my dad now.”

Carmilla halts. She looks down at Laura, well turns her head towards her and gives her hand a squeeze. 

“I'm sorry, Laura.”

“It's okay. It was a long, long time ago.”

Carmilla draws small, soothing circles on the back of her hand. She's quiet for a while, lost in her own thoughts.

“I lost my dad as well a few years ago, you know. He was my best friend. For the longest time I didn't know how to go living without him. Me and mom, we never saw eye to eye. And she drove the car, that... I never really forgave her. Dad, he was such a goofball. At work he was this serious and important business man with his tailored suits and neck ties, but at home he was a completely different person. He taught me how to dance; all those classical dances: waltz, foxtrot, jive, but sometimes we'd just jump around, dance and sing like nobody was watching.”

"He sounds like an amazing person."

"He was. You know, I think he would've liked you."

"Really?"

"Of course."

Laura sighs, utterly lost in Carmilla's words. Her mom would've like Carmilla too.

“My mom was the one that taught me how to play the piano; I was never any good, but it was something we did together, it was our thing. I don't always like to remember her, because it makes losing her hurt even more. She was the kindest person, she liked everybody and everybody liked her. She worked at the local library and we didn't have money to pay for a babysitter, so she often took me with her to work. I loved it there. The smell of the books, the unfathomable amount of knowledge that was hiding in between all those covers. The stories, the people, the emotions. I think I read more than anybody else my age.”

“Sounds familiar.”

“I had this one spot where I used to hide and read until my eyes hurt. In the geography section, there was a small gap in between the book cases and the wall; I used to crawl in there and read till it was time to go home. And one day, my mom had put blankets and pillows in there. Just for me. After she died, I never went back. It just hurt too much."

“The pain never really goes away, you just learn to live with it," Carmilla sighs, "thank you for telling me, Laura.”

She doesn't answer, Laura just leans up and softly kisses Carmilla on the lips. It's only a small peck, just their lips grazing each other for no longer than a second. It's her way of saying thank you. Thank you for listening, thank you for telling me your story. She leans back into Carmilla, who pulls her closer wrapping her arm around Laura's middle. 

“I think I could stay like this forever.”

“Yeah,” Carmilla says lazily, while her fingers play with the fabric of Laura's shirt. “Just the two of us."

"Just the two of us," Laura echoes. She likes the sound of it; she likes the way that Carmilla is talking of an us rather than a you and a me. She smiles at the thought. It all happened so fast, she still needs some time to get used to the idea that this beautiful and kind stranger really does like her. 

“So...” Laura takes a moment to think of what to ask Carmilla. There are so many things she's dying to ask, so many things she wants to find out, but she isn't sure if now is the time. Maybe she should just stick to the simple things, the basics. “What's your favorite band?”

“Led Zeppelin. Yours?”

“Really? Ehmm great, now I know that you are going to judge me for sure. I.. I love One Direction.” She laughs nervously. She doesn't want Carmilla to judge her for her musical taste, she can't help it that the boys awake the inner fangirl in her. 

But Carmilla just shrugs. “I'm not going to judge you over something as stupid as your music choice, cupcake. I have never even listened to any of their songs.”

“Really, don't you listen to the radio?” Laura asks amazed. 

“I try not to.”

"Of course you do." And Carmilla doesn't look like somebody who does, she looks like sombody who brings her own music wherever she goes. She looks like somebody that hangs out in antique record stores and still listens to vinyl. 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, nothing. Favorite... animal?”

“Big Cats. A black panther. Yours?” 

“Racoon. Next, umm... favorite color?” Within a split second she realizes that she just asked a blind person what her favorite color is. God damn it, sometimes she was just really dumb. “Sorry, Carmilla. I ju- just didn't think. Stupid idiot, always talking before-”

“No, it's ok. I'm just sorry I can't answer your question. I mean I could tell you it was red, the color of love and fire and poppies. Or I could tell you it was green, the color of endless meadows of grass, the color of nature, the color of leaves in the summer, before they turn red and orange in the fall. But those are just things people told me, nothing I have ever or will ever see on my own. Colors mean nothing to me.”

“Oh.” 

“I just don't understand them, you know. I mean, I know the physics behind it. I probably know more than you, but still... knowledge is one thing, being able to see, experience them something completely different. I know that color isn't something that is inherently there, but it derives from the spectrum of light interacting with the eye and it's light receptors. I could tell you which wavelength equals which color, but I could never, never tell you how it feels to see green, blue or red.”

Laura sits up, reluctantly she moves apart from Carmilla. The idea might be stupid, she might embarass herself by trying it, but she wouldn't be Laura Hollis is she didn't even try.

“I want to explain it.”

“Explain what?”

“Colors. Well not colors, but my favorite color.”

"I... ok." Carmilla wants to argue with her, Laura is sure of that. She wants to tell her what a stupid idea it is. But she doesn't. Thankful Laura takes her hand again. She takes a second to collect her thoughts. 

“Alright, so... my favorite color is red. Like you said it's the color of fire, of poppies, it's also the color of strawberries and raspberries, when they are ripe. There are a lot of things that are red or that can be red. A car can be red, a shirt can be red, basically everything can be red. I don't think you can understand a color by listing things that are red, or blue, or yellow. Colors are like, like keys on a piano. Every key, every note, is a special shade, a different color. Some a very different from each other, some are similar, but they are still unlike each other. The way the keys sound different, the colors are also different. You have high notes and you have low notes. You have dark and you have light colors. But like you said colors are more, when you see a color, you feel the color at the same time. For some people red means love, for others it equals war and destruction. There isn't a right way to see a color, everybody experiences it in a different way. So when I tell you what red is, I tell you what red means to me. 

"Red is a warm color. In contrast to grey or blue, it's like a cold winter night, when you are wearing your favorite sweater. When you feel the warm and familiar fabric on your skin, giving you warmth and security. Or when you are sitting by the fireside, listening to the wood crackling. And not because fire is red, because fire can be red, but it also an be blue, or green, or even purple if you put certain chemicals in it or let it burn at a certain heat. No, I mean the feeling of the warmth radiating in the air, enveloping your whole body, making you feel content. You can feel the fire even if you're sitting metres away from it. The way you can feel the sun on your skin on a sunny day. It's the feeling of being safe, of feeling like you are exactly where you belong at the moment. 

"Red is being surrounded by people I love. My dad hugging me so hard that I can barely breath. Falling asleep while my friends and family still quietly talk next to me, trying not to wake me up with their conversation. Falling asleep with their voices in my head, knowing they are there with me. Kissing somebody I never want to let go. Lying in bed with the one person that truly gets me. Red is feeling at home."

Laura takes a deep breath, organizing the thoughts in her head. Before she didn't really know where she was going with this, what she wanted to say, how she was supposed to explain such an intangible concept as colors t somebody who has never seen anything in their life. She just knew that she wanted Carmilla to know. She wanted to share something. Show her something special. Laura looks at Carmilla and notices that her cheeks are wet. Tears are running down her cheeks in erratic paths. Carmilla sniffs. And she smiles. A wide smiles that shows her perfect teeth. Laura uses her hand to brush a tear away, but Carmilla catches her hand mid movement. 

"Laura?"

"Yes?" 

"Can you ask me again?"

"Ask you what?"

"Ask me what my favorite color is."

"Oh-ok," Laura agrees, "what's your favorite color?."

"Red. My favorite color is red."


	6. Anchors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kudos, comments and for reading this story! As always it's much appreciated. Just in advance this chapter is going to be considerably darker than the previous. I wrote the chapter in a night filled with wine, classical music and tears. xD So yeah, angst; much angst. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for mentions of suicide, depression, and hints of homophobia.

_"This war ship is sinking and I still believe in anchors_  
_Pulling fistfuls of rotten wood from my heart, oh I still believe in saviours"_  
~ Wooden Heart by Listener ~

Laura doesn't know how long they spent outside. It could have been only a couple of minutes, but at the same time it could have been two hours. Carmilla held her close, she kept on drawing little artworks on her exposed skin, making Laura nearly melt in the process - she kept on asking herself how such a simple touch can feel so incredibly good. They were silently talking, laughing together and kissing now and again. Laura never felt so close to anybody in her life before. It's ridiculous really. 

But like everything in life, even the most beautiful things end. Carmilla takes her hand and pulls Laura into a standing position. She doesn't let go of her hand, while she takes another step towards Laura and pulls her close, melting their bodies together. Laura loops her arms around the other girl gently running her fingers up and down her back.

“Laura, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

This time Laura doesn't wait for an invitation, she closes the distance between them and kisses her. Carmilla seems surprised at first, but it doesn't take her long to answer with as much passion as Laura. Carmilla nibbles on her lower lip, drawing a moan from her the other girl.

“I take that as a yes.” Carmilla mumbles in between kisses. Laura nods furiously, and presses a kiss on the corner of her girlfriend's mouth.

“Yes,” Laura sighs kissing her cheek. “Yes.” She uses her hand to softly turn Carmilla's face to plant a kiss on the other cheeks. “Yes,” she breathes in her lips lingering on Carmilla's forehead. “Yes.” Their lips meet again for a final, sweet kiss, before they break apart grinning at each other like the idiots they are.

“Come on, I want to show you something.”

Laura follows her girlfriend, holding on to her hand. Laura isn't sure what to expect inside. They have been gone for some time and she has no idea if Will's friends are still there or if they have already gone home. She dreads facing them. She dreads facing Danny's friends.

For the first time since she ran after Carmilla she thinks about the girl that was supposed to be her date for the night. She does like Danny, a lot. She has been nothing but nice and amazing towards Laura, and Laura would have never agreed to go on a date with her if she didn't feel like there could be something between them. But. But whatever they could have been fades compared to the girl that is currently holding her hand like she will never let it go again. She had never felt this aching need to be with somebody, to just feel their comforting touch, before. Danny pales in comparison.

“Hey cupcake, you ok?”

“Yeah, I'm good.” Laura grips her hand firmly. “Let's just get this over with, alright?”

Carmilla nods. With a swift movement she opens the sliding door and hand in hand they enter the lion's den.

The first thing Laura notices is the faint smell of boozes that escapes into the cool night, when the door slides open. She looks at Carmilla, who seems to have noticed as well. She scrunches up her nose, taking the biting smell in.

It's remarkably silent in the room, everybody is looking at them. Will's sitting on a large sofa, his legs propped on a small table in front of him, a glass of some dark liquid in his lap. Opposite of him the couple that had been at each others throat during the dinner is snuggling up to each other. The girl is straddling his lap and he has lipstick smeared all over his lips. So much for totally being over each other. But even they have paused their make out session to stare at them.

Perry is opposite of them at the door going out into the foyer, holding a coat over her arms that seems familiar, but Laura can't really place it at the moment. She is smiling at them. She's the only one. Everybody else is all tight lips and stony eyes.

How the blind girl notices _her_ before Laura, is still a mystery to her.

“Clifford,” Carmilla bites out. Laura winces at the name, frantically searching the room for Danny. She is sitting on an armchair next to Will, the couple had been blocking her from view. But now Danny is leaning forward, looking Laura up and down. She halts, when she notices their intertwined hands. Her eyes fly up to Laura again, an unfamiliar emotion flickering through them. She doesn't seem angry, but rather... disappointed?

_Fuck_. She hadn't expected Danny to be her; after all it was her that stood Laura up for some stupid sorority meeting.

“Hi,” Laura manages to say after all. It's barely more than a whisper, but since everybody else is just staring and waiting to see how everything will play out between them, the words linger in the room longer than Laura likes.

Danny stands up, her eyes never leaving Laura's. Will gets up as well and tries to hold her back, grabbing for her arm, but she ignores him. He stumbles back, his legs hitting the table, his eyes clouded. Apparently he's had one or two drinks too many. Nobody dares to say anything. Danny stops in front of the couple. Her eyes are dark, full of... something. Laura doesn't avert the gaze for one second. She grabs Carmilla's hand tighter, who squeezes back telling her she's right there.

When Danny finally talks, her eyes are still hanging on to Laura, but her words are meant for Carmilla. 

"Mel wasn't enough for you, huh?"

"This has nothing to do with you, Lawrence."

"I just don't understand, Carmilla. It's all just a game to you, isn't it?  You can only be happy, if somebody else is miserable.”

“Not to me. It was never any fun to me,” Carmilla says, her voice bitter and hard.

“Right. It looked like you had fun, when you shoved your tongue down my ex-girlfriend's throat, when you made Mel dump me. Or when you decided to screw around with Elsie, your brother's girlfriend. He tried to be there for you, he did everthing he could to be there for you and how do you pay him back? By fucking the girl that he loves, by ruining his relationship." 

“That was a long time ago.”

“Six months doesn't sound so long to me. Does it, Laura?”

“I, um...”

“Don't listen to her, Laura,” Carmilla says.

“Yeah, don't listen to your friend, the person that cares for you. For her this isn't even about you, Laura. She doesn't care about anybody, but herself."

"You got it all wrong."

"No, I don't. I'm not stupid. It's sad really how you keep on pushing away the only person in your life that would take a bullet for you without blinking an eye."

"Danny," Will protests, but she just continues.

"No, I never said anything, because I understand. I understand Carmilla. I understand why you are angry, I understand why you are so reluctant to trust Will again, but you promised. You promised, Carmilla. You promised Will, it was over. That your little scheme of revenge ended when you broke both of our hearts."

"That's where you are mistaken. It will never be over. And Will knows that. But as I said, this is no scheme, no play. I am done with you, Lawrence. I couldn't care less what you do or don't do. I am so fucking tired of all this shit, you know. I am so tired of you."

Danny's lower lip quivers. "Why don't you just leave then?"

"What a great idea. Come on, Laura."

"Without her," Danny spats. She reaches out for Laura, but Laura takes a step back. Danny's eyes widen at her reaction. "Laura?"

"I'm sorry, Danny," she says in a small voice. Carmilla grins at her words. Laura gives her hip a dig with the elbow, the smug smile vanishes at once from her face. Carmilla takes a few steps towards the door and Danny gets out of the way, but she hasn't given up as of yet. 

"I want to believe you. I do, Carmilla."

"I don't care. This is none of your business."

"If you hurt her, I swear I will..."

"Contrary to what you all think, I don't break hearts for sport. I don't betray the people I love." 

Laura can see that Danny is chocking back her anger, she's clenching her fist again and again, but keeps quiet. 

“Carm,” Will gets up from the sofa, but doesn't make any attempts to come closer. His voice is hoarse, broken. “I am so sorry. For everything. You know I would turn back time if I could. There is not a day I don't blame myself for what happened."

“Sorry doesn't even come close, William.”

“Don't you think I fucking know? God, Carmilla, I know. I loved her too. You weren't the only one.”

“Fuck you, Will. Fuck you. How can you even say that after... you destroyed everything? How can you just stand there after you fucked up the only good thing I had in my life? You never loved her. You replaced her the day she was gone.”

“I never replaced her."

"Yeah right."

"Carm, I..." He sits back down again. His legs are shaking, unable to stand the pressure any longer. Danny is by his side at once, she sits down next to him and pulls him close. He melts into the tall redhead. "I am..."

"No, William. I have heard this a million times before. Words don't mean shit, you should have been there for her, but no you couldn't even manage that. You let her down, the same way you let me down." 

All blood has left Laura's hand, Carmilla had tightened her grips as the conversation proceeded. She is shaking. Laura can't tell if it is out of anger or sorrow. She can't really make any sense of what they are saying. They must be talking about the girl Will mention before. Ell. 

“Come on, Laura. I don't want you to listen to this.”

They leave. Just like that. Will has sunken down into the couch, Danny is next to him, quietly whispering something. Everybody else is looking at the floor, at the ceiling, at the wall, everywhere so they don't have to look at Laura. She follows Carmilla. 

"Wait," somebody shouts after them, when they are out of the door.

Carmilla stops and turns around. "What is it, Lola?"

Perry catches up with them and stands in front of the couple. She gives Carmilla a stiff hug, her back straight, while she pats Carmilla's back. "I am sorry, Carmilla. I wouldn't have invited you if I thought it would end in a... well, in a bloodshed."

"I know you wanted us to make up, but... this is not how Will and I operate. We were always better, when we were fighting. We haven't talked about it since... he broke up with Elsie. He acted like he didn't care. And I acted like I didn't either. It was bound to happen." Perry releases Carmilla. "It doesn't even matter now. For the first time I feel like I am not going to fall apart, you know." 

Carmilla turns towards Laura, who blushes.

"I know," Perry says and gives Laura a hug as well. Laura remembers that it was Perry who told her where to find Carmilla, who told her she should go after her. "I know. I have to go back, before Will drinks himself into a stupor."

"Yeah. Take care of him."

"Always."

Perry waves at Laura, before she goes back to the others. When the door falls close behind her, Carmilla turns towards Laura. 

"Let's go to my room."

Carmilla keeps quiet while they make their way through the huge mansion. They walk through dark rooms. The moon, that occasionally shines through the windows, is the only light source on their way. Carmilla warns her, whenever there there is a step or anything else she could stumble over. They still hold hands and Laura has to bite her lips to keep from asking the million questions that the conversation has sparked. 

She doesn't understand it. How they can hate each other so much, but still care for each other enough that Carmilla asks Perry to look after him? 

When Carmilla opens the door to her room, it's the first time that she turns on a light. Laura has to blink due to the sudden brightness that invades her eyes. Carmilla closes the door behind them and silently sits down on her bed that is situated right besides the door. 

Her room is clean, almost clinically so. There walls are empty, the bright white blinding Laura. There are no pictures, frames, nothing on the walls. The wall at the farthest end of the room has high cabinets filled with boxes. There is a small sign on every box, a golden square with little dots. _Braille_ , Laura realizes. She wanders over to the boxes and runs a finger over the small convexities. She is amazed how anybody could read little dots, how for Carmilla these aren't a couple of dots, but rather letters. 

There is a desk, with a laptop and a huge printer on it. Papers are spread out on the surface. Thick paper coverd with braille. There is an walk-in closet, the door is ajar. Other than that, her room is empty. There is no decor, no signs that anybody is actually living here except for the papers on the table. 

“There are a lot of things I have to explain. I just, I don't know how I can even-” Carmilla finally begins. 

“Hey, it's ok,” Laura sits on the edge of the bed, and puts her hand over Carmilla's, that is cradling the blanket. “You don't have to tell me anything right now. I trust you, Carmilla. I do. I know you will tell me, when the time is right.” And she does, she trusts her. 

“But I want to. I want to tell you.”

Laura takes a deep breath and crawls closer. She watches the many emotions pass over Carmilla's face. Carmilla starts a few times, but breaks off before any words make it out of her mouth. 

“This is about… Ell, right?”

“Yes. How do you-”

“I just… connected the dots. You’re not as hard to read as you might like.” She waits for a reaction, but there is none. “You loved her.”

“I did.”

“And she loved you?”

“Yes.”

“So what happened?”

“Life.”

“And Will.”

“Yes. I don't know how to- I never told anybody." Carmilla is trembling uncontrollably, her whole body shaking.  

“Breathe, okay. Come on, feel my hand. I am here. I'm here. Whatever happened, it's in the past now. You are here, with me. Do you feel my hand?” Carmilla nods. “It's going to be ok, just focus on my hand. Focus on me. Listen to my voice, good, breathe.”

It takes her some time until she can start again. Her head is angled at the ceiling, she leans against the hard wall against her. When she starts her voice is even again. 

“We were best friends ever since I can remember. Our parents were friends; so since a very young age, we spent a lot of time together, we did everything together. She was everything. We were inseparable. Will, Ell and I.

“It was much later that I realized she meant more to me. That I liked her in a different way, that I wanted every part of her. It took me a long time to accept that. I never thought, she could, you know love me as well, but she did. On my eighteenth birthday I just kissed her, and she... she kissed me back. It was perfect, we were perfect together. God, she made me so happy. I knew my mom would never accept me, us. She is very conservative, always worrying about what other people think. We told nobody, except Will. He and I, we shared everything.” She let out a throaty, sad laugh. “That's what we always said, I guess he took that one literally.

“Ell wanted to tell her parents. She was always braver than me, they had an annual family getaway in their cabin in the Alpes. She wanted me to come, she wanted me to meet everybody. But I as scared of what my mother would do, I was scared of being judged. I just couldn't... She was angry, we had talked about coming out to our families for a long time, but I just wasn't ready. I didn't want her to be alone that weekend, so I asked Will to go with her. Two weeks later, Ell's confessed under tears that they fucked that weekend. She fucked my brother. She said she loved me; that she had been angry and confused, she never meant for anything to happen. After a fucking year of dating, of being everything to me, she just... with my brother of all people. I lost my two best friends, my girlfriend and my brother in the blink of an eye.

“I just couldn't take it. I was disgusted with her for betraying me like this, with Will for hurting me so much, when he knew exactly how much she meant to me. Disgusted with myself for ever falling for their shit. Everything feel apart after that. My life, my family. I just didn't care anymore. I failed my exams, I stopped eating, I just... everything seemed pointless without her. Ell told her parents... about us, I don't know why, maybe she thought I would forgive her... I- they moved away. I never saw her again."

Laura is speechless. She can't imagine the betrayal Carmilla must have felt. She can't imagine all the different ways it must have broken Carmilla. She can't even imagine. She doesn't have any siblings, she never shared her childhood, her formative years, all her memories with just one special person. She never had anybody like that. Trusting two people so completly, only to have them betray that trust. Laura's throat feels like it's closing up, like it's getting harder and harder to breathe.

She tries to put herself in Carmilla's place. A girl that can't even _see_ the betrayal happening right in front of her. Somebody that has rely so heavenly on other people for so many thing, somebody that is forced to trust, that has no choice. How much it has to hurt, when this trust is broken. How hard it must be to trust anybody again after that. 

“She killed herself eight months ago.”

There are tears beginning to spill out of the Carmilla's eyes; Laura had seen her eyes water before, but the first time it had been tears of happiness, tears of gratitude, this was different. Laura instinctively crosses the small distance between them, crawling into Carmilla's lap. For a moment she just sits there, watching Carmilla try her hardest to make the tears dissappear. Trying to hide them. She wraps her arms around her without thinking twice about it. Carmilla tiredly leans in, resting her head on Laura's shoulder, letting herself be held. Her body is trembling from exhaustion, her breaths are shallow and shaky. Telling her story had left her empty.

At first, Carmilla just leans against her, letting the warmth of Laura's body lull her into a sense of safety, her hands remain limp in her own lap, but she eventually lifts them and clasps them around Laura's back, holding on to the other girl like she's the only thing that keeps her from drowning. From falling. They remain like that for a long time. Carmilla cries silent tears into Laura's shoulder, pressing their bodies close to each other.

"I was to absorbed in my own grief, I never thought about how she felt. She wrote me so many letters; I didn't bother to read them. I ignored her calls. I wasn't there for her. Will wasn't there. Nobody was there, she was all alone. I had never thought about how much she lost; she too lost everybody important to her. We both let her down. And Will, he just replaced Ell, he replaced both of us. With Danny,” the name sounds like an insult, when she says it. “He should have been there for her, he should have been there to stop her from... But no, he..."

Tears start spilling again, Laura's heart breaks watching her. "Her parents didn't even allow me to attend her fucking funeral."

Carmilla breaks. Laura lowers them both so that they are lying on the bed, Carmilla offers no protest, but shifts in her arms to hide her face in Laura's chest. Laura gently strokes her hair as the tears keep on falling. Carmilla is curled up against her body, her other arm holding her close. Every so often, the shaking becomes worse as a fresh wave of emotion consumes her. Laura does not say anthing. Now is not the time for words. 

She is not sure how long they remain this way. Eventually, the sobs come to an end. Carmilla grows still, her body tired from the physical exhaustion, dehydrated from crying for such a long time. Laura couldn't tell how much time has passed; Camilla's breathing slows. Laura begins to think that maybe she has fallen asleep, when Carmilla moves in her embrace. She pulls away, sitting up. 

"Ever since then I had nobody. Nobody to talk to, to hold me."

Carmilla hugs her again, her wet cheek pressing against Laura's. When she pulls away, Laura uses the sleeve of her shirt to dry the tears off her face. Carmilla tries a small smile, but it quickly shifts into a somber grimace. 

“I'm so sorry, Laura. I’m normally not like this.”

“Like what?”

“A hot mess. I'm actually... pretty fun to be around, if you can believe it.”

Laura smiles and pulls her closer, resting her head on Carmilla's chest. She listens to the sound of her breathing. They fall asleep in each others arms. 


	7. Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I made the executive decision to let the story take part in Austria, and I grew up in a country, where everybody wears Lederhosen, drinks beer, loves their sausage and is punctual (NOT, though I am very fond of beer), I thought why not take advantage of that and put some German customs, language bits and things that haven been part of my childhood in the story. I'll try to explain them as best as I can (without disturbing the flow of the story), but I am aware that there might still be things left unexplained. So, if there are any questions left unanswered, don't hesitate to ask. 
> 
> For translations have a look at the end notes!

The first thing Laura notices is the warm body that is pressed up against her. A strong arm is pulling her even further into the soft torso behind her. 

 _Carmilla_. 

She closes her eyes again, reveling in the feeling of just being held. God, she could do this every day. 

"Good morning, sunshine.“ Carmilla smiles in her neck. Laura's skin tingles, when Carmilla leave small kisses all over her sensitives neck. She doesn't know how Carmilla is able tell that she is awake, but she is not about to complain. 

"Mornin,“ Laura mumbles back, still not completely awake. 

"Not a morning person?“ Carmilla asks her, entirely too cheerful.

The only answer she gets is a low grumble from the small girl that is most definitely not a morning person. Carmilla laughs, running her fingers through Laura's hair - apparently hell bent on getting the other girl to give her more than a muttered  _mornin_. Laura moves in Carmilla's arms, curling up against her.  

"It's Sunday," Laura says, without opening her eyes. 

"So?"

"I don't have to get up on Sundays." Carmilla laughs, her breath warm against the arch of Laura's neck. Laura finds her hand and presses it against her stomach. "Let's just sleep so more, okay?"

Carmilla doesn't answer. Laura holds her hand, feeling at ease. Happy. It's just the two of them. Nothing to worry about, no care in the world. Just Carmilla and Laura. Laura and Carmilla. 

But apparently, Carmilla has other plans. She takes her hand back and starts moving. Laura wants to complain, but doesn't find the words. Her brain is still muddled by just having woken up. 

"Alright, I am going to take a shower, cutie."

"Hmm?"

Carmilla sits up, the mattress shifting, when she moves. "Go back to sleep, I'll be back before you notice," she says. Carmilla has to climb over Laura in order to get out of the bed. When Laura finally opens her eyes, Carmilla has moved one leg over her body, clumsily straddling her. Laura blinks at her, her eyes finally focusing on the girl. Her face is only mere inches away. Her eyes immediately shift to Carmilla's lips that look so very inviting. Licking her lips, she wraps her arm around Carmilla's neck and pulls the other girl down again. Surprised Carmilla loses her footing and clumsily lands on Laura.

"Ow," Laura moans, crushed by the sudden weight of Carmilla. Carmilla uses her hands to prop herself up, allowing Laura to breathe again. 

"What was that?" Carmilla asks, rubbing her forehead that had violently collided with Laura's shoulder. 

"I just..." Laura starts not even sure what she wanted to accomplish herself. "I think I am probably still asleep."

Laura jumps, when Carmilla pinches her arm. "Not anymore."

"You are evil."

"Good and evil is just a social construct, invented by gullible men that-"

"Not now, please," Laura begs her to stop.

Carmilla smirks, sitting up. Her legs still straddling Laura she looks pretty content with herself. Her hand searches for Laura's head, finding it only moments later. She starts twirling a strand of her hair, playing with it, turning it in her fingers. 

Laura finds it difficult to do anything than stare. Her mouth slightly agape she just watches Carmilla. 

"You wanna come?" Carmilla asks.

"Come where?"

"Take a shower with me."

Laura blatantly gapes at her, her mouth opening and closing again and again. No words make it out.

"I am only kidding, you'd have to make me breakfast first, cupcake," Carmilla says with a devilish smile playing on her lips. She kisses Laura's cheek, before raising herself up and getting out of bed. 

"Oh, oh, but you are evil."

"Get some more sleep, Laura." Carmilla quickly shuffles through her closet, grabs some clothes and leaves for the bathroom. She's still wearing yesterday's clothes. They didn't even change. Laura lifts the blanket to look at her own crumpled attire. Yawning she sits up, leaning her back against the wall. 

The last thing on her mind is sleep. The mere thought of a very much naked Carmilla showering only meters away from her is making it very hard to do anything else, but get lost in her daydreams. She is surprised at herself for feeling so drawn to Carmilla. She never felt so drawn to anybody before. And especially not after only knowing them for... not even a day. 

Only know Laura realizes the fact, that they only met like... not even twelve hours ago. Everything happened just so terribly fast. She remembers the first touch they shared. An innocent touch, Carmilla had touched her arm asking her if she was ok. Everything after that was a blur. 

So much had happened in just so little time. She runs her fingers over her eyes, driving the last bit of sleep out. Waking up together, Carmilla teasing her felt so normal, like it was something they had already done for the past year. Laura is still trying to make sense of everything. All thought leave her mind, when Carmilla comes back.  

When Carmilla enters the room again, she is only wearing a tank top and boy shorts. Her hair is still damp from the shower she took. Laura silently watches her. Speechless. God, she was so damn beautiful. Carmilla. Her girlfriend. 

"See something you like?" Carmilla asks her with a raised eyebrow. She has turned her head in her direction, though her eyes are still closed. As far as Laura can tell, she never opens them. She remembers how reluctant Carmilla had been yesterday to show them to her. 

"Huh," is all Laura can manage, her eyes still glued to the beautiful girl in front of her. Carmilla laughs heartily, before opening the door to her walk-in closet. She turns her back towards Laura and after very thoroughly checking out her ass, Laura notices something else. 

"You have a tattoo.“

"I do, cupcake.“ Carmilla doesn't turn around. 

"Oh.“

"Don't act so scandalized. It's not a tramp stamp. You wanna see it?“

Laura nods. What she didn't expect was Carmilla to just casually shrug of her tank top, now only leaving her in matching bra and shorts. All black of course. Laura just stares at her. Carmilla turns around and walks towards her. Laura doesn't really know where to look. She bites her lips, when Carmilla strides towards her, her hips swaying with every steps she takes, every motion perfect, elegant, enticing. 

"You act like you never seen a girl before, Laura." Carmilla smiles. She is always so confident, always knows exactly what is going through Laura's mind. It's unnerving. 

"I'm not, I mean I have, but I..."

"Stop rambling, honey," Carmilla says, when she stops in front of Laura. Her hands find her face faster than she'd thought it possible and a moment later, Carmilla leans down to kiss her. She tastes like mint and toothpaste. "That's better."

Laura thinks that she doesn't mind Carmilla shutting her up by kissing her. She doesn't mind anything, when Carmilla is kissing her. 

Carmilla breaks them apart, before she turns around, so Laura can take a closer look at the tattoo on her back. It's all in black, except for the bright, yellow eyes. Directly above her bra, a black panther is carved into her skin. Laura remembers how Carmilla told her that it was her favorite animal. 

Above the panther, there is an inscription – small dots following a pattern, forming letters, words, meaning. "What does it say?“

"It's a poem by Rilke.  _Sein Blick ist vom Vorübergehn der Stäbe. so müd geworden, daß er nichts mehr hält. Ihm ist, als ob es tausend Stäbe gäbe und hinter tausend Stäben keine Welt,_ “ she recites. "I got it after Ell moved away."

"It's beautiful,“ Laura breathes leaning closer, "can I touch it?“

"Of course.“

With slightly shaky fingers Laura draws the contours of the tattoo. She'd never seen a tattoo so close, let alone touch one. She doesn't know anybody that has a tattoo, most of her friends are all rather... conservative. She is surprised, when the inked skin doesn't feel any different.

"You can't even feel it.“

"No, it's only ink.“

"I know that. I just always thought, you could feel it, that there was like a bump, that it would feel somewhat different.“

"I wish,“ Carmilla sighs. 

"Why did you get it?"

"There are a million reasons, honestly; I just felt so... tired of everything. I was sad and angry all the time, and there was nothing... I could do about it. It felt right at the time."

"Not anymore?"

"I changed, but I don't regret getting it."

"It is beautiful." Laura presses a soft, tentative kiss on the skin just above the tattoo. 

"So I've been told."

Carmilla puts her tank top on again. Laura watches her intently. She can feel that Carmilla wanted to say something else, something more. She wonders what that might be. Carmilla makes her way back to the closet to pick up some clothes. With the door now fully open, she can see that every piece of clothing in there is black, or at least very dark. She stifles a laugh, not entirely surprised.

She gets up from the bed, trying to smooth her unruly hair by running her fingers through her long curls. She must look like shit. Her clothes are a mess, her hair is a mess, her make up is probably running down her face. She takes a deep breath, feeling stupid. She is worried about what Carmilla might think of her, really stupid when she thinks about it. Carmilla isn't able to see how run down she currently looks, she told her the day before that for her... beauty is not attached to looks. 

Her cheeks burn, when she remembers her words. Carmilla had told her that she was beautiful. The amazing girl in front of her thought she was beautiful, thought she was special, meant something to her. Laura isn't really ready to process that. 

Trying to get her mind of the thoughts, she wanders around the room stopping in front of the huge cabinet with the lettered boxes. She runs her fingers over one of the signs. 

"What do they say? The braille lettering's on the boxes.“ She points at the cabinet with the labelled signs, quickly retracting her arm, when she remembers that Carmilla won't be able to see her gesture anyway. 

"Hm?" Carmilla asks, emerging out of the closet, now dressed in a pair of dark grey, skinny jeans and a black shirt. 

"The boxes, there are signs on it. In braille." She is still amazed how anybody can read braille, how the feel of the small dots translate into coherent sentences. How anybody can be able to tell which combination results in which letter by just touching the small bumps.

Carmilla walks towards her stretching out her hand in the direction, where she assumes Laura to be. Laura takes her hand. 

"What you see in front of you is basically my whole life put in a couple of boxes," Carmilla says, entangling their hands. "I like things to be sorted. No, I need things to be sorted in order to find anything again. It's a lot of different stuff. Memories, things I don't really need anymore, but like to keep close. The signs have years on them. In there, there are things that I like to remember, things that remind me of special people, of certain events.

"Here, this is a year. 1999. You want to find out what I did in that year?“

"Yes."

Carmilla takes box out of the cabinet and puts it on the floor. She sits down next to the box and Laura copies her motions.

Laura peers into the box. The first thing Carmilla gets out is a huge book. "This is first book I read in Braille. It's just a collections of some stupid children's stories, fairy tales and all that. 1999 was the year I learned reading and writing. I was home schooled, you know. My mom didn't want me to go to a public school. She handpicked every single one of my teachers; only the best for a Karnstein, she always said.“

Next she takes out a sock puppet. It's woolen body is a bright orange with big, black eyes that are slightly asymmetrical. It has a mop of jet black of hair on his tiny head, its nose is a button and the line of its mouth opens, when Carmilla moves her hand inside the puppet. The puppet looks familiar, but Laura can't really place it. 

"Hello Laura,“ Carmilla says with a deep voice. Laura assumes she's trying to imitate a male voice. "My name is Fu, I am very pleased to meet you.“

The puppet looks at her with wide eyes and an open mouth. When she hears the name, she remembers why the puppet seems familiar. Her  _Volksschule_ teacher had used the puppets to try teach them writing and reading. There were whole books about the adventures the two sock puppets experienced. 

"Um, nice to meet you,“ Laura offers, before Carmilla continues to speak in the low voice.  

"You know I used to have a sister. Fara, she was really beautiful and amazing. She had these eyes, so big that you could get lost in them.“ Carmilla turns the puppet, so that it is looking at her. "But this idiot lost her.“ Carmilla imitates sobbing sounds, and makes the puppet shake with invisible sorrow.

"Don't be like that, Fu.“ Carmilla answers in her normal voice again. "You know that it was an accident.“

"An accident.“ The sock puppet called Fu snorts and refuses to look at Carmilla. Laura has to stifle a laugh. "That's what they always say an accident.“

"Well, it was. You want to tell her or do you want me to, Fu?“

The puppet looks from on girl to the other. "We were driving on the  _Autobahn_ , and this idiot, wanted Fara to feel the breeze in her hair, wanted her to feel the speed of the car, so she opened the window of the car and... I never saw her again." 

"I'm, um sorry, I guess."

Carmilla laughs, pulling the puppet off her hand. "Sorry I couldn't help it. But yeah, I had two of them. I begged my mom to turn the car around, to let me look for her, but of course she didn't. So I only have this little mischief-maker left." She points at the sock puppet in her hand. 

"Fara and Fu, right I remember. My teacher also had them, pretty clever now that I think about it. Using toys to trick kids into actually enjoying the lessons."

"Indeed, I didn't know about them until Will started school. He told me about them, and I just feel in love with them. I always wanted to have Fara and Fu as sock puppets, but my mother thought they were childish and didn't want to buy them for me. So, I made them myself. Will helped. For about a month I only spoke through the puppets. My mother even wanted to send me to a psychiatrist, but dad told her off. I think she was happy that I lost Fara." 

She puts the sock puppet back into the box. "Eventually I stopped, when I got new toys."

She gets out a small paper bag in the form of a big cone. A  _Schultüte_. The cardboard cone is handmade, Laura remembers how her dad had just bought her one from the store; she loved it nonetheless. But Carmilla's is special, handmade, it's colorfully decorated. There are a lot of different animals and shapes cut out and glued to the cone. Laura spots a tiger, lion, panther, a rabbit, a huge dog, a lot of different flowers, a huge tree and some kind of a space ship.

The  _Schultüte_ was the only things that had made her first day of school bearable. Her dad had filled the cone with her favorite sweets, she remembers the friends she made by trading the sweets with the other kids. She met her best friend that day. She traded a pack of licorice wheels for another pack of HARIBO frogs. God, she had loved the little frogs. Still does to be honest.

"I didn't go to a school, but I still got a  _Schultüte_ after throwing a fit about how unfair life was. My dad and my oma made it for me. I ate most of the sweet in there that day, I remember feeling so sick.“

"Didn't we all?"

"Probably."

"It's really not the best idea to give small kids a cone full of their favorite sweets and not expect them to eat them all at once."

"Indeed. What else do we have here?“ Carmilla takes out some papers that have braille on them. "Right, the first words I wrote. I hated my technology teacher, he wasn't very good at the whole teaching thing. I made his life a living hell."

She silently reads what is on the paper, while Laura watches her. Her fingers read every dot, every space in between them. "Yeah, I was a brat alright.“

"What does it say?“

"Herr Schneider smells like farts. At least that's what it's supposed to say, I got a couple of letters wrong, I was still learning, but he definitely got the message. It only took me three weeks I think to get him to quit his job.“

Laura isn't surprised. Getting on Carmilla's bad side isn't something she would want to experience herself.  

"Do you have one for every year?“

"Almost every year, yeah. I am a hoarder.“

"That's amazing.“

Carmilla just shrugs. "It's really not. I just like to remember sometimes and those things, they help.“ She gets something else out of the box. It's an audio cassette. Laura doesn't think she has seen one of those since her childhood days. It's not like anybody used cassettes any longer. 

"It's Bibi Blocksberg, holy shit!“ Laura recognizes the blond girl on the cover of the cassette at once. She had loved listening to the audio cassettes as well, when she was younger. What isn't there to love about an audio book about a young, sassy witch that uses her powers to play pranks on her classmates, her family and the mayor of their small town. 

Carmilla just smiles, running her fingers over the small braille label at the front, that was glued on the case. "It's my favorite episode, it's the one where they visit a creepy castle and meet vampires. It's really cute.“

"I don't think I know that one.“

"It's great. She's on holiday with her parents and they get stuck in Dracula's castle and meet all sort of weird folks.“ Carmilla puts the cassette back. "I am pretty sure I own every cassette they ever produced. I told you, I'm a hoarder. Our attic is full of my old stuff. I don't like to throw things away.“

"We moved around a lot in the last years, and my dad gave away most of my stuff, whenever we moved. It was just easier that way.“

"I threatened my mom that I would run away, if she ever did anything like that. Once I even had my suitcase all packed, ready to run away. Wasn't the best plan to be honest, all I packed were toys and stuffed animals. I don't think I would have gotten far."

"Who knows, you could have traded them for food."

"Tzzz, I'd never give them away."

She puts the lid on the box, and gets up to put it back at its original place. 

"There's something else, I'd like to show you," she says, when the box is back in the cabinet. She walks over to the desk and silently searches for something on the counter. Her fingers enclose around something to small for Laura to make out from where she is sitting. She gets up from the floor and walks over to Carmilla. 

Carmilla takes her hand and guides her to the bed, where the both of the sit down. Carmilla crawls over the bed, until her body meets the wall behind her, she leans against it and pats the place beside her, indicating for Laura to sit besides her. Laura moves. 

Carmilla opens her palm, revealing a small wooden figurine in her hands. Laura squints trying to make out the shape, trying to identify what it is supposed to be. It's a heart. But not the abstract depiction of a heart that she normally affiliates with heart shaped things, no it is shaped like a real human heart. Small tubes, veins and arteries she supposes grow out of the somewhat oval shaped heart. 

Carmilla turns the wooden heart in her fingers, revealing all the small details Laura hadn't noticed before. 

"Dad made it for me.“

She turns towards Laura, her palm open, the small wooden heart in her hand. Gingerly Laura takes it from her, the wood feels smooth. 

"He was really into nature stuff, he even knew how to shoot a freaking bow and arrow. Apart from that and dancing, his favorite past time was carving in wood. He cut these amazing … little figurines out of wood. This is my favorite.“

Laura weighs the little wooden heart in her hand. She has never seen anything like it. She wonders how much time it must have taken her dad to get all the little details right. she turns it around, looking at it from every possible direction.

"It is beautiful."

Carmilla smiles, leaning her head against Laura's shoulder. Her hair is still wet, and leaves small stains on Laura's shirt. 

"It's probably my favorite thing in the world. It's just so him. Him and me.“

"Here," Laura says, handing it back. Carmilla takes it back, enclosing her fingers around the heart.  

They spend some time cuddling on the bed. Holding each other close, reveling in the feeling of having each other, before Laura's stomach violently grumbles. Carmilla laughs and runs a hand over her belly. 

"We should get you something to eat."

"Yeah," Laura says just as her stomach grumbles again. 

"Come on," Carmilla holds her hand out and together they crawl out of bed. She puts the little, wooden heart back on the desk, before they leave. When they exit Carmilla's room, Laura stops for a second. 

"Is it okay, if I use the bathroom first?“

"Sure, it's down the hall first door on the right. There should be a spare toothbrush under the sink and you can use everything in there.“

"Thanks. Um, do you maybe something to wear? A shirt or a sweater?“

"Of course. Any preferences... wait, I only own black clothes.“ She laughs and gets a sweater out of her closet, that she hands to Laura. Black. Of course.

"Thanks.“

Carmilla takes her hand and shows her to the bathroom. The air is still humid from the shower Carmilla had taken. "As I said, you can use everything in here, that's all my stuff. Towels are in the cupboard above the sink. I'm going to wait downstairs, okay? Take your time.“

Laura smiles, when she pulls her in another hug. 

*~*~*

Somebody is in the kitchen. It shouldn't be a surprise to Carmilla, but she still hesitates before entering the kitchen. Even before she steps into the room, the delicious smell of freshly brewed coffee fills up her nose.  The smell is honestly the only reason she drinks coffee at all. She hates the taste of it, only milk and ridiculous amounts of sugar make it drinkable at all. 

There is only one person, aside from herself that uses the coffee maker.  

"Morning,“ Danny grumbles at her, before Carmilla gets a chance to say anything. "Coffee?“

Carmilla only nods and takes a seat. The loud rumbling of the coffee maker is the only sound that can be heard in the room for a long time. Carmilla leans against the backrest of the bench. It's been a long time since she and Danny were in a room together. Alone. After the debacle with Mel, Danny avoided her like the plague. The first month she didn't even visit their house any more; though that was probably courtesy of Will. 

Danny didn't react very well to her girlfriend cheating on her. Carmilla remembers the fight that ensued, when a drunk Danny stumbled into Will's bedroom to discover her half naked girlfriend straddling Carmilla's hips. She wasn't very amused. Carmilla remembers laughing her ass off, while Mel desperately tried to explain her behavior to her girlfriend. She had only stopped laughing, when Danny punched her hard enough in the face to leave a not so pretty bruise on her cheek. 

She would never admit that to anybody, but the moment Danny's fist collided with her face, was probably the moment she started to like the brash, red giant. Not that she would ever tell the annoying girl. They are probably more alike then either of them would ever want to admit. They never really talked about anything that happened. She had always been at least somewhat jealous of her and Will's relationship. Danny was fiercely loyal, she was always there for her brother no matter what.

Danny is still rumbling around, making a lot of noises. The girl had never been able to do anything without making a big fuss. The door of the refrigerator wings close with a loud thud.

"How is he?“ Carmilla can't help but ask.

"Finally sleeping.“ 

"Did mother see him?“

"Fuck no, we made sure of that. Perry helped me bring him to his room, she didn't notice a thing.“

"Good.“ Carmilla nods, though she is pretty certain that her mother knows anyway. She always does.

"He threw up three times, I haven't seen him like that since...“

"Yeah well, he's an idiot.“ 

"He is,“ Danny agrees - though for different reasons. "What about you, Carmilla? Had a good time with  _my date_?“

"She doesn't belong to anybody.“

"I know,“ Danny sighs. She puts the cup in front of Carmilla. "Milk, two sugars. It's just... I care about her.“

"So do I.“

Danny says nothing, and sits down on the chair opposite of Carmilla. Carmilla hears the clinking of the spoon, when Danny stirs her coffee.

Carmilla remembers mornings like this. Danny practically lived here for the better part of the last year. Will slept in most days, but Danny was always up bright and early getting ready for university. She had never liked Danny, but their mornings together had somehow grown into a routine. Silently drinking their coffee, before they both went their merry ways. Her mother was never at home – thank god; and as much as she loved to spend time alone, even she appreciated the occasional company of... anybody really.

Well, that was before Danny caught her with Mel. After that occurrence she didn't visit any longer. It annoyed her how empty the house felt.

"I do like her. She's special," she tries again. She can't really explain why, but she doesn't want Danny to think that what she and Laura have is fake, that all Carmilla is doing is fucking around with Laura to hurt her. Because she isn't. 

Whatever animosity she felt towards Danny, the anger at being replaced so easily, in her mind they were even, when she caught her with Mel. They hurt her, and she hurt them. They were even.

"It's funny, Carmilla. I want to believe you, I do. For her sake, for Will's sake, for my sake, heck even for your sake. But it's just... very hard."

The worst thing is that Carmilla knows. She knows. In the course of the last two years she had grown into somebody she never wanted to be. She had stopped caring. About anybody. About herself. She had nobody to talk to, nobody to confide in. Nobody to help her out of the hole she was buried in. 

She started to do thing only to annoy others. She wanted Will to get angry at her. She wanted him to hate her. He had never stopped apologizing, trying to make up for mess he and Ell made. He tried to be there for her, but she couldn't stand to be near him, to have him sympathize with her. To have him care. He was just a cruel reminder of everything she lost. 

Without meaning to she had turned into the person she loathed the most. She had turned into Lilita. She had turned into her mother.

She never meant to. She had vowed to never been anything like her, to never turn into the cold-hearted, cruel woman her mother was. But she did. Slowly, but gradually she had turned into her mother. She had felt joy at hurting Will. Will, who had always had her back before. Will, who tried everything to make things right again. 

And now he was lying in his bed, after drinking himself into a stupor, all because of her. Because of her inability to forgive. 

"I'm sorry.“

Danny doesn't answer. The clock is the only thing that can be heard in the room. Carmilla can only imagine what is going through the other girl's mind. Danny never trusted her, rightly so. Still she feel the need to right at least some of her wrongs. If not for her sake, then for Laura's. Laura is a sensitive person and Danny is her friend. She doesn't want the blooming relationship they are starting to have to break, because of her past wrongdoings. 

Carmilla had nobody. She only had memories of the people that hurt her the most. The feeling of waking up with Laura in her arms, had reminded her of that. Ell had been the only girl that spent the night in her bed before that. Laura might not realized what a big deal her sleeping in her bed was, but Carmilla was all too aware. 

She doesn't want to loose Laura. She can't loose her. 

"So am I,“ Danny finally says taking a deep breath of air. 

*~*~*

"Hey Carm, I used your hair brush, I hope that's okay. I... oh.“ Laura stumbles into the room. She is confused at the situation, she just barged into. The two girls, that have been at each others throats only hours before, are now sitting opposite each other. Drinking coffee. Carmilla isn't even scowling. 

"Good morning, Laura,“ Danny says.

"I... good morning.“

"Coffee? Tea?“

"Tea would be nice," she answers still perplexed.

"Hey cupcake," Carmilla smiles at her. She scooches over, making room for Laura on the bench. Hesitantly Laura sits down next to her. 

Danny opens a cabinet and peers inside. "So, we have green tea, black, rooibos and peppermint. Which on would you like?"

"Peppermint, please." Laura looks down, when something touches her hand. Carmilla has entangled their hands. Their hands are intertwined in her lap, well hidden by the table in front of them. There is no way in hell or Hogwarts that Danny will be able to spot them holding hands. She looks over to Carmilla, who is currently sipping at her coffee. 

Laura caresses the back of Carmilla's hand and watches Carmilla's lip turn upwards as she returns the small gesture.

She is thankful that Carmilla isn't making a fuss about their... relationship. It still sounds weird in Laura's mind; weird in a too-good-to-be-true kind of way. Carmilla isn't bent on riling Danny up like she was yesterday, she isn't using her to get a rise out of her friend. This is all too real. 

Danny sits back down again. 

"Laura," Danny starts. "We never got a chance to talk yesterday, I'm really sorry how everything went down.“

"No, Danny. I am the one that is sorry.“

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Danny looks at Carmilla, but her face isn't angry like yesterday. She looks troubled, but not mad. "I just want you to know, that I...“ Danny takes a deep breath. "... that I care about you. A lot. And I want you to be happy.“

Laura grabs Carmilla's hand harder under the table, expecting Danny to say something along the lines of being happy with anybody, but Carmilla. Carmilla doesn't react. Not to Danny's words and not Laura grabbing her hand so hard that it must hurt. 

"I appreciate that, but...“ Laura starts, when Danny doesn't continue. 

"Hey,“ Danny puts her hands up, "no need to get defensive, Laura. I just don't want to loose you as a friend, is all I am saying. I know I had no right to act the way I did yesterday. Emotions were running high and I just snapped.“

"How the mighty have fallen,“ Carmilla disrupts. Laura elbows her in the side; an action that doesn't go unnoticed by Danny.

"Indeed, Carmilla, indeed,“ Danny smirks.

"Oh, just shut your mouth, you big red giant, will you.“

"Stop it, both of you.“ Laura is surprised, when they both actually listen. There is no real animosity between the two girls, if anything their exchange is playful. "Danny, it's ok. I am the one that has to apologize. I like you too, and I never meant to hurt you."

"I know that."

"I want us to be friends as well."

Danny nods, though her eyes betray her. She is hurt. It pains Laura to know that she is the one that hurt her.

Danny gets up to bring Laura her tea, the water still steaming. She puts it down in front of Laura and smiles at her. Her eyes roam over the two of them, spotting their intertwined hands, but she doesn't say anything. 

"I'm gonna leave you two alone, I have to check up on Will."

She turns to leave, but Laura stops her. She quickly gets up and hurries after Danny. She wraps her arms around the tall girl and pulls her into a firm hug. At first Danny doesn't react, but soon strong arms engulf her in a tight embrace. When they loosen their hold on each other, Danny is smiling. 

"I'm going to see you later, Laura. Oh and Carmilla?“

"Yes?“

"If you hurt her, I will change your whole wardrobe from that depressing black you love to wear to a lovely pink. With little cute animals - unicorns, baby hedgehogs, giraffes and ducklings - embroidered on the fabric. You won't even be able to tell the difference." Danny smirks at the disgusted look on Carmilla's face. 

"I am not going to hurt her."

Danny shrugs. "Then you have nothing to worry about."

Laura looks after her surprised at the fierce loyalty to her, a girl who had hurt her, she just exhibited. She is truly lucky to have her as a friend.

She sits back down next to Carmilla, leaning into the other girl. Carmilla wraps and arm around her shoulder and pulls her even further into her. 

"I only hugged her," Laura feels the need to explain. Carmilla wasn't able to see why she jumped up and ran after Danny after all. She needs her to know that there is nothing more than friendship between the two of them.

"I know. I trust you."

"You do?"

"Of course, cupcake." Carmilla leans towards her and softly kisses her atop the nose. "Oops." 

Laura giggles, cupping her cheeks, she pulls on Carmilla's hand, bringing them closer and places a lingering kiss on her lips. She pulls back after the chaste brushing of lips against each other.

"You need to aim lower," she whispers against Carmilla's lips, before Carmilla kisses her again. On the lips this time. Everything stops, it's just the two of them caught in the moment, tasting each other, breathing each others air. Carmilla's hands find their way into her hair again. Laura melts under Carmilla's touch. 

Everything is forgotten. Danny is forgotten, their histories are forgotten, all that counts is the moment. 

Laura stomach grumbles again. Violently. Laura doesn't react at first, and finally it's Carmilla who breaks the kiss. She bites her lower lip, her arms still wrapped around Laura's shoulder. 

"So, how about that breakfast?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Translation of the poem** : His gaze against the sweeping of the bars has grown so weary, it can hold no more. To him, there seem to be a thousand bars and back behind those thousand bars no world. (That's the first paragraph of "The Panther" by Rainer Maria Rilke, the English version does the lyrical genius of Rilke no justice, so I had to leave the German in).
> 
> So, that's it. Thank you all very much for reading, commenting, leaving a kudos and putting up with my erratic uploading schedule. This story is over, that doesn't mean Carmilla and Laura's story has come to an end yet.
> 
> Here's the thing though: I am not gonna promise anything as of yet, but for me their story does not end here. I already have some ideas of what I want to write, but there are other things I need to finish first. I have a lot of headcanon for them, things I wanted to put in here, but had to cut sadly . Stuff about the character's backstory, some little things, some things that could fill up an entire fic on its own. So, I don't know what a future sequel/prequel (hmm) will include, but I am definitely not finished with this AU. I would love to know how you want to know more of, what characters intrigue you the most, whose adventure you'd like to follow. Who knows, you might inspire me :)
> 
> Wooden Heart was incredibly hard to write. It's funny how I have no problem imagining myself living in Hogwarts, playing Quidditch or talking to my pet owl, or fighting evil mothers and barons alongside Carmilla and Laura, or living in a post-apocalyptic world destroyed by a nuclear war, but... imagining a world where there is no light, no darkness, no colours, no looking at the person you fell in love with for hours at a time without noticing how much time has passed, that is much harder. So, this is me trying to look at a world without actually looking at it. I did a lot of research and I discovered an amazing youtube channel along the way, I want to share with you. Since I suppose a lot of you guys come from youtube, check out [ Tommy Edison ](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCld5SlwHrXgAYRE83WJOPCw), who seems like a truly amazing person and has helped me a lot while writing this story. 
> 
> Warning: Shameless Self promotion! I recently published a new story I'd love you to give a chance. Carmilla is a con artist using her charm and allure to con people out of their riches. She meets Laura, when one of her cons goes seriously wrong... trouble is sure to follow. Check out [ The Con Artist ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4863773/chapters/11146958) and let me know what you think!
> 
> TL;DR Thank your very much.


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